Tuesday, July 14, 2009

This Blog will Self-Destruct Unless You Vote for Me

Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod -- final chance to vote! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is it, people! Last chance to vote for me as Best Local Blog over at Parents Connect.

Go be awesome friends and vote, please? As a birthday present to me? Or because you like me? Or because, I don't know, I am the best local blog?

Please, thank you, and all that polite stuff.

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Posted by Tere @ 7/14/2009   | | | links to this post

Monday, July 13, 2009

The One Where my Boob Pops Out

I wore my black bathing suit on Saturday specifically because it was my safest bet. It's a plain swimsuit with some beading detail, ruched at the sides. Considering that I was spending the better part of the day at a water park, I figured that neither my brand-new two-piece nor my quasi-sexy/revealing monokini were appropriate choices for the outing.

I very specifically wore the bathing suit that all but guaranteed minimal wedgies and other unfortunate mishaps.

So what a surprise to find that in my plain, sturdy, reliable bathing suit, I suffered a wardrobe malfunction, one of epic proportions. How epic?

My entire boob came out.

And not on some tube slide where it was just me, or underwater just as I shot out of a slide. No, it was in the big wave pool, as I stood surrounded by hoards of people - including children - that my boob had to go and pop out.

The fault, of course, is my own. For whatever reason, I decided it'd be fun to stand at the point where the waves broke (which was fun, because you get tossed and pushed and it decently mimics the ocean), a point at which the waves broke hard enough to push my suit aside. Initially, I kept checking and would see that nothing was amiss. My boob popped out at the moment where I finally stopped checking, convinced that both my bathing suit and my boobs could withstand the force of the water.

Clearly, I was wrong. I noticed the mishap instantly (I hope), but not before I freaked out and just stared down without actually doing anything. It was probably like .5 seconds of exposed boobage, but my, those were a long .5 seconds! Worse still, I was with a couple of friends who may or may not have seen anything. And the reason I don't know for sure is that while these are great, great peeps, they're also males, and to talk about this situation would pretty much make our lovely friendship collapse. I'm sure of it. Or at least, it would require a couple of drinks before stepping into that territory.

(Me: So, uh, guys, remember the wave pool at Rapids?

Guys: Yeah.

Me: Remember when we were at the blue line where the waves broke?

Guys: Yeah.

Me: The waves were pretty hard there. I was getting tossed about quite a bit. Oh, and my boob popped out.

Guys: *crickets chirpping*

Me: Sorry if you saw anything. And sorry I'm bringing it up. It's just that I'd rather address it than have it be, like, this big, festering thing between us. But I mean, we're all adults, we can acknowledge this, right? So my boob popped out. So you saw it. Big deal, right? It wasn't intentional on anyone's part. Really, this is, like, nothing. And anyway... (on and on and on)

Guys: *nervously eye each other while crickets continue to chirp*)

And we can never look each other in the eye again.

And yet, even with all this embarrassment, I still had no qualms sharing this story that very night with a group of total strangers, female and male alike.

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Posted by Tere @ 7/13/2009   | | | links to this post

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Hello & Welcome

Hello! This is my official welcome to the whole new bunch of readers who have found their way here through a wide variety of sources, most especially through Wide Lawns and Narrow Minds. I'm so glad you're here! Between, between and drink a chair!

I'm not one to obsess about my readership, but it's really very cool to see visitors from all over the globe, or from more countries than usual. Usually, I see the large amount of Canadian readers and I'm like, "awesome!" (but the Canadians and I, we just adore each other, so it makes sense); or I notice that chunk of regular readers in Asia (India, Malaysia, Indonesia and Philippines), and I'm like, "WTF? What do they see in me or this blog?" - but otherwise, I don't make much of my traffic stats.

However, there's been a marked increase in visitors, and you all are from all over the place, and I find both things worth recognizing and celebrating.

So - YAY!!!

For those of you who decide to stick around and make this one of your regular reads: I love you! For those of you who won't be back: WHY?? What can I do to make you loooovvveeee mmmeeeeee????

I kid. Sort-of.

Seriously, welcome newbies. Glad to have you here. Stick around; read the primer to get yourselves acquainted; or just jump right in if you prefer. Lord knows I'm repetitious enough that you'll get the gist of me and my life soon enough. Leave a comment if something inspires you to contribute, or drop me a line via email. It's all good.

Mainly, I'm glad you're here; and I hope you stick around.

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Posted by Tere @ 7/11/2009   | | | links to this post

Friday, July 10, 2009

Laptop Trauma

I'm not yet at that desperate point where I need a new laptop, but I'm getting there. My current one is four years old, which makes is ancient and useless by today's standards.

The problems have been adding up. First, the *top* part of the laptop cracked at the hinges, and it wouldn't stay open. Got that fixed under warranty. Then, the CD drive stopped shutting properly, and now it just hangs half-open, useless. For that, the warranty had just expired. Then, the wireless capabilities seemed to have burned out. This one is a great mystery - as it just stopped working from literally one moment to the next, and the three people who have tried to help fix it have all been stumped. It's neither the ISP nor the routers (we've tried connecting other ones, and the problem persists), it's just something in the machine, apparently. Finally, it's become painfully slow. I could've sworn that I bought this model because it had a good processor, and possibly, that it was upgraded (or was that the memory? Who knows?). I suspect that I just have too many videos and pictures and music for it to keep up. It's actually not so, so awful, but it's bad.

I think I've reached my breaking point because lately, programs constantly freeze and/or crash (SpyBot cannot detect anything besides regular adware). I can't run iTunes and Picasa at the same time because it's like the machine can't handle it and I swear it starts crying and whimpering on me. Also, when I close the top for a bit while I step away from the computer, and then return and open it, the screen is stuck on "preparing to standby" (even those I just closed the top with programs running and that's never been a problem before) - and it just stays there, making me have to reboot all the damn time.

I don't know if I should pay someone to come out and fix everything, or if I should bring out my Best Buy card and just start over. In getting a tech to come out here, I feel like, if they can fix everything, I'm still going to have to buy more power or speed or whatever they sell for these things, and in the end I'm on borrowed time. And if they can't fix it, I'm out, what? a couple hundred bucks? And still need to get a new laptop? That doesn't appeal to me, nor do I even have the budget for that.

But just the thought of shopping for something new makes me nervous. I don't know what to get, and I feel like I can't trust the salesguy who's just out to sell whatever he's told to sell or they need to unload or costs a lot of money. As it is, I'm an easy mark; I can't even hide my ignorance. So the guy could tell me I need to buy the little green gnome that keeps all the cogs oiled, and I'd believe him. And then there's the fear that I'll get a good deal but end up with either a crappy machine, or a crappy machine that can't even meet my needs, just because I couldn't choose wisely.

I think I need someone to hold my hand through this, an all-knowing computer wizard who wants to help and protect me. It's like when celebrities latch on to some guru or spiritual leader of some kind, and they like, drag the person around, seeking personal advice for every little thing -- what kind of water should I drink so that I'm pure? Do these sunglasses make me look more, or less, holy and in touch with the people? -- I need my own computer guru who will tell me what to do, then stay there with me the whole time, patting my hand, assuring me it will all be o.k.

You think I kid, but I don't. Some things are so far beyond my knowledge base that I get very insecure and need thorough guidance. Deciding what to do about the dying laptop and possibly selecting a new one is one of those things.

I can feel the clock ticking on this one and hope I can make a move before this thing explodes on me. Ay, damn it.

Posted by Tere @ 7/10/2009   | | | links to this post

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Bathrooms Fascinate Me

Months ago, a dear friend and I had a lovely dinner at one of the ritzy hotels in the Miami Brickell area. The hotel was impressive, but what left me breathless was the bathroom.

For real.

It was splendid. White marble countertops, perfect lighting, completely private stalls, awesome marble (or granite) floors. It was like entering a fuzzy oasis of peace. My friend and I were both so fascinated that we just hung out in there, touching everything, "ooohh"ing and "aaahhh"ing at the magnificence of it all.

Then, I pulled my camera out.




I couldn't help it. I wanted to move into that bathroom. I haven't been so smitten with anything in a long time. All these months later, and I'm still thinking about it, yearning to go back.

And then, I did what seemed the natural thing to do. I forever captured me in that heaven of a bathroom.


What? You mean you never take pictures of yourself in the bathroom?!

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Posted by Tere @ 7/09/2009   | | | links to this post

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

He Slays Me Even As He Breaks Me

As has become the norm around here lately, it was a rough afternoon today with Max. I couldn't put off some errands we needed to take care of, so even though I knew it was a bad idea to drag this kid around after a full day of camp (he's tired, cranky and a total pain in the ass), I went ahead and dragged his butt to Westchester to get these things done.

(So hey, funny story! This guy at one of the stores I went to? Was totally digging me - I mean, so clearly that even I could not fail to notice it. It was hilarious. Laid it on a little too thick ("your smile has made my week" - ahahahahaha), but at least he wasn't lecherous. Strangely enough, the episode made me aware of my generally fatalistic attitude about men, and left me thinking quite a bit about this.)

Anyway.

Max was indeed difficult. While it was nothing out of the ordinary for a typical, rambunctious boy his age (you know, touching things, ignoring me), it annoyed and embarrassed me. Days like today always make me feel so overwhelmed and alone and unsure of what to do to handle things better. It seems lately like nothing works.

And so by the time we got home, I was beyond exhausted and honestly just wanted bedtime to come. I felt defeated, and mad at him for continuing his crappy behavior, and mad at myself for feeling so unable to do anything effective about it.

Eventually, we settled into bed. We did our routine, and while he was still a little all over the place, things were better by then. We read, we talked, and finally, I explained that it was time to stop talking and go to sleep.

At that point, my boy began to kiss my face. He kissed my nose, then my cheeks, followed by my ears and eyes and forehead and chin and mouth. He did it a few times, giggling each time as he said, "And now... your chin! And now... your forehead!" When he was done he placed his hand on my cheek and sighed, "Mommy, you're so beautiful." (He says this a lot, and it never fails to thrill me.)

It's like this so much: the moments where he pushes every button and drives me insane are punctuated with his sweetness and affection. The bi-polar nature of it all is as maddening as the experiences themselves.

This kid slays me. His exuberance, silliness and charm fill my life with endless joy. But his willfulness, force of character and defiance break me.

Repeatedly, I am both broken and elated. And lately, I feel like something has to give.

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Posted by Tere @ 7/08/2009   | | | links to this post

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Sometimes, I Have the Urge to Recap and Summarize

I wonder if other writers who share life stories (via blog, website, whatever) ever feel the compulsion to revisit *big* stories and provide an update or some kind of summary.

I know I feel this from time to time, with stories I share about Max and whatever challenge we go through that is prolonged or takes time to work out. And I definitely feel it in regards to all the changes we've been through this last year-and-a-half.

At the same time, what do I say? "Praise be, I'm healed!"?? Life goes on, and I'm a lucky girl because my life is good. Even though May/June had some things in them that shocked me, or frightened me, or stressed me out, in the end, some of those things are but blips in my radar, and others (the car accident, to be specific) have their resolution and the story ends.

What I've noticed about myself in these last few years (and having a blog that I know is widely read has totally forced me to think about and face this) is that there's a marked difference between the way I write about something here and the way it plays out in real life. What I mean is, here I stress and over-analyze and the problem seems to loom large and impossible. But in real life, I'll still stress and feel crappy, but the problem is not always that big. Specifically, I don't spend all day thinking about it, nor does it totally consume me. Some things, yeah, they weigh heavy and come in and out of my mind; but for the most part, things get magnified here in a way that they're not in my life. At the same time, that's one of the purposes of this blog: to let me magnify things so I can get the hell over them.

I noticed this change, this shift from seriously over-analyzing and obsessing (trust me, whatever over-analyzing and obsessing I do now is nothing compared to how I used to be) after I had my son. Initially, things changed for practical reasons: with a new, itty bitty baby and all that came with him, there was just no time or energy to treat things as I used to. I remember thinking, the first few times I rolled these thoughts in my head, that I'd spent my life over-analyzing because I obviously had nothing better to do. Motherhood (and then, motherhood plus full-time job; and then, motherhood plus full-time job plus extremely stressful marriage) took away any time or energy I'd once had to navel-gaze so intently.

But there were other factors, too. For one, I think I grew up some and matured more. Also, this new-found mental freedom was the result of all the work I'd put into my therapy. And all in all, this was a win for me. Whatever the reasons, in the end, what's mattered to me are the changes I've seen in myself and how I live my life. This is a process that's been years in the works, and it continues.

So, there is indeed a marked difference in how the things that happen in my life affect me in reality vs. how they come across in here, but to me, it's understandable. The consequence of this, though, is that when I see people I know in my personal life whom I know read this blog, I always feel awkward. I always think that they must feel awkward, too, thinking about all they've read here and thinking that I must be such a sad mess, but I don't know how to address it. I always have an urge to acknowledge the elephant in the room and be like, "Hey, I'm not as insane as I come across in my blog. I swear. Really. See me right here? Not insane!" But that, I think, would just make things worse. And the truth is, the moment passes. I feel the awkwardness, but it goes away within minutes, and it never seems worth it to make anything of it.

There have, of course, been exceptions to this pattern. Last Fall, when my grandmother passed away, I really did find myself in a very sad place, with grief hitting me from all angles, and it did consume me. That was my time to really grieve everything that had happened in my life, to sink as deeply as I needed to and allow myself to go through a lot of pain and agony. It was unbearable, but I needed it.

The silver lining even in that was that it served as another experience for me to learn and grow from. Whatever's come after that has been completely manageable because that was so devastating. Even recent nonsense that threw me for a loop - even that was done and gone once the initial "WTF?" feeling passed and I figured out what I really felt and acted on those feelings.

So.... to summarize. Hahahahahaha.

I really don't know how to look back at the things that took up so much space here and wrap 'em up in a neat bow. I've started some posts where I try to offer a window into what I feel now and why, but it's such a difficult thing to capture. Maybe it's just something that really can't be captured - not in any wholly accurate, complete way.

I guess the best I can say is, it's all good. Doors have been firmly closed and I feel good about it. I've moved on, and I feel good about it. My attitude is good. I'm good.

And the things that lie ahead? They're good, too.

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Posted by Tere @ 7/07/2009   | | | links to this post

We're Just Gonna Chalk It All Up to Hormones, O.k.?

I failed to mention yesterday that I just might be PMSing (I know, TMI, but our relationship can handle it, don't you think?). Because today, I feel better.

I have this habit of getting myopic about my problems and thoughts and whathaveyous. Not that I get that way and stay that way, but I spend a day or two (sometimes a week or two, if it's that big a problem) mired in my fear and dread and stress, unable to think clearly (and this is a big reason why I write). But then, either after I write, or get slapped around by a friend, or I just get to that place where I'm sick of myself and my ineffectiveness, I seem to just get over it. Either I find the courage to talk to someone if that's what I need to do, or I gain some good perspective on the situation, and I can deal with it, or I just get sick of it all and am *done* and shut the door from there. Sometimes, it's all of the above.

Either way, I feel better. PMS-y, to be sure, but better.

Also, in need of a nap.

Posted by Tere @ 7/07/2009   | | | links to this post

Monday, July 06, 2009

It Made Me Dizzy Just to Write This

I have things on my mind. Things that are occupying too much space and making me all frowny and stuff. I know, so very clear and helpful of me, huh?

I've been trying to let go of some stress, things that weigh on me, not so much because of the things themselves, but because there is actually nothing (or very, very little) I can do about them.

Mainly, people, I'm feeling blah and would like to de-blah. On one hand, I think I'm going to have to have some conversations that I don't want to have. And I don't want to have them for fear of what will be said, what I will learn, what the outcomes will be.

There's also this: I'm looking at my life, and I feel a certain anxiety because I want good things to happen, like, NOW, and I'm feeling frustrated by all these roadblocks and issues and general shit that make me feel stuck. Stuck is not good for me. I need to move forward. It's a case of Tere's impatience vs. life. But I also feel like I've been through enough crap and deserve an avalanche of goodness to fall on me.

Sigh. The more I think, the more I write, the clearer it is to me that (regarding some current things in my life) I'm going to have to grab the bull by the horns and ... I don't know... make it see things my way? Hold on tight and pray I'm not thrown off?

My g-d, even analogies and metaphors fail me today. Things are clearly dire around here.

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Posted by Tere @ 7/06/2009   | | | links to this post

Saturday, July 04, 2009

Query

Is it wrong that I want a boyfriend just so that we can take over the couch and spend the entire day there, reading?

Because that's pretty much what I want.

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Posted by Tere @ 7/04/2009   | | | links to this post

Thursday, July 02, 2009

I'll Make You a Mix Tape!

For the last eight or so months, I had Love is a Mix Tape by Rob Sheffield on my to-read list. The premise intrigued me, and while it took me a while to finally get to it, I began reading it last week and blew right through it. The book grabbed me and touched this part of me I long ago lost touch with: Tere, the avid mix-tape maker.

I've said all this before, but it's an understatement to say that I love music, or that music has always been a huge part of my life and my identity. I'm not even sure how to adequately explain it. Just take my word for it: music is vital in my life. I need it when I drive, when I cook, when I clean, when I work. If there's no music to be had, I'll sing (badly). Almost every song I love reminds me of someone or something; in many cases, one song may apply to different people in different ways, and I love that.

And it was at an early age - nine or so - when I began to make mix tapes. Crudely recorded from the radio, they were mixes of everything from Top 40 (I so love you, Casey Kasem) to classic rock to my own voice singing whatever song I loved at that moment. By junior high, I would call radio stations to make requests then stay frozen by the radio, my fingers ready on the play/record buttons, and make the mix tapes that way. Those would take days or weeks to put together, because there were too many variable out of my control: if I caught a song I wanted at the end, I'd have to wait for it to play again; many DJs ignored my requests, etc.

Getting a radio with a double cassette deck was like heaven opening up for me. Making mix tapes from albums (and not the radio) gave me more control and allowed me to line up the songs as I really wanted them; plus, it cut out the DJ talking over the music.

I don't remember how many mix tapes I made, but I still have almost all of them (I've refused to get rid of my vast cassette collection). In high school, I was making at least one tape a week. I'd take them on the bus and make everyone listen to them, and soon enough, my friends were requesting specific mixes for the ride to school and the ride home ("the metal one with Firehouse and Stryper!"; "the one with U2 and Queen!").

I made mix tapes for friends, for my different moods, to listen to in the shower. When I met someone and clicked with them, they got a tape. When I fell in love, there were many tapes! When my heart would break, there'd be one intense tape to carry me through the pain. (This goes hand-in-hand with song dedications.)

Cassettes gave way to CDs, but I resisted for years. I didn't make my first CD mix (and yes, like Rob Sheffield, I agree that they're "mix tapes" no matter what the medium) until the year 2000. And even then, I made mixes in abundance: my favorite Pearl Jam songs in one convenient CD; my favorite ska songs; the best of The Samples; Indigo Girls mixes ranked from most favorite in one CD to lesser faves in others. Same for Dave Matthews Band. Mixes of awesome girl power songs (but NO Spice Girls); mixes of sweet angsty boy-with-guitar music. I still listen to these mixes (even though now they've been uploaded to my iPod.)

I identified so much with what Sheffield expressed in his book, especially in the way that music relates to love. I don't want to spoil the book (because you music lovers out there should read it), but the main premise deals with his relationship with his wife and the role that music played in that relationship.

But because the book was about both love and music, I couldn't help but reflect on a few personal things. Namely, how I haven't made a mix tape since 2003. That speaks volumes to me. What was it about my relationship with my ex-husband (after we reconciled in 2004), becomming a mother, and the life that followed, that took this away from me? Why did I stop? Where were the mix tapes for him as life moved forward with so many big moments in them? How did I end up with someone who didn't even make mix tapes, or fully appreciate them?

Furthermore, what was it about motherhood and a tumultuous relationship that made me lose so much of myself? I struggle on a near-daily basis with moments where I remember something I loved and gave up, or where I try to remember a time when I had interesting things to discuss, or when I simply felt like an interesting, well-rounded person. Surely, motherhood alone does not do this to someone (and I did have a partner who carried his full load as far as parenting duties). Why did life, from my pregnancy forward, seem like such a struggle on an emotional level? Why did I lose my spark?

I want to make mix tapes again. Granted, I've got my playlists ("Extra super faves", "Fiesta!", "DANCE!", "Good Times") on my iPod, but an equally important element of the mix tape is giving it away. The CD drive on my laptop has been broken for a couple of years, but still, there has to be a way to bring the music back and give it away. Or at least, a way to get back to that part of myself that reveled in the music - in discovering new songs and artists, in listening and memorizing lyrics, in sharing an awesome find with a good friend.

In feeling alive and free in the beat of a perfect song, where everything makes total sense.

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Posted by Tere @ 7/02/2009   | | | links to this post

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Wherein I Beg for your Vote, for Reasons I Cannot Ascertain

So, remember this?

It looks like the contest is in its final stretch, so here I go, asking for votes.

Please vote for me? Please? Rather than use mother-guilt to remind you of the kind of crazy stressful year I've had, I'll try a new tactic: my birthday is later this month, and while I'd prefer presents (namely, gift certificates so I can buy clothes that actually fit me), I'll be happy if I'm named Best Local Blog.

So how 'bout it? Vote for me!

Please and thanks.

**********************************************************

p.s. The Passion of the Cheetos.

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Posted by Tere @ 7/01/2009   | | | links to this post

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Such Cuteness has to be Criminal

Hello there.

It's summer here in Miami. That means it rains like crazy, and it's hot and humid and my hair is always looking like crap.

But in-between all the rain, there are some days that are so beautiful and sunny, that all you can do is head to the beach and revel in the sand, ocean and sun.

Max and I, we do this a lot.

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Posted by Tere @ 6/30/2009   | | | links to this post

Monday, June 29, 2009

I Need Some Parenting Advice

My child, who is currently 3.9 years old, has been doing some very unpleasant stuff lately, and to be honest, I'm not sure what to do. I can't tell how much of this is due to his age/stage of development, and how much of it is due to whatever confusion or sadness he has over having to split his time between two homes. And besides being unable to figure out the root of this problem, I also feel like I'm too close to it to properly assess (and resolve) it.

Some things - running out ahead of me, trying to do flips on the tile floor - are inappropriate because they're dangerous. Those, I chalk up to typical of the age and not yet having a proper gauge on safety.

But when I call his attention, and he just ignores me and keeps going - that's where I get stuck. I don't *mind* that he would run out as soon as he jumps out of the car. It's when I call out to him and try to get him to stop (as I run after him, hoping my voice reaches him before tragedy does), and he. just. ignores. me. And when I get to him and get down to meet him at eye level, and I launch into how dangerous what he just did was, what I find is a child who won't look me in the eye and will make it clear he doesn't want to hear it. So I keep it short, make it clear his behavior was unacceptable.

But from there, it's another issue: he doesn't want to hold my hand and has a complete melt-down over it. Or he doesn't want to stop whatever he was doing that was unsafe and has a complete meltdown over it. And then proceeds to keep doing it.

There are other times when he behaves willfully and is disobedient, and acts out in inappropriate ways, like hitting or (UGH) spitting, or saying, "You're a stupid mommy" (or whoever's trying to correct the behavior). And the thing is this: I neither curse (in his presence, and I put a lot of effort into that; plus he gets that *stupid* thing from one particular kid in school), nor hit, nor spit. None of those are ways I try to discipline him - so WTF?? Is he picking all this up from his schoolmates? Is it instinct?

These last few days, I feel like it's all become too much for me. I feel like I do all I can to be on top of these things; I praise what he does right, scold what he does that's inappropriate, punish if it's merited, and overall try to be consistent and fair (but firm, very firm). I probably react a bit too much at times, and given his proclivity to do things I consider dangerous, probably need to step back a bit and leave him alone, but... I don't know.

That's the problem: I don't know. I don't know how to properly assess his behavior, how to fix it, how to monitor myself so I don't make things worse. I don't want to hover, or overreact, or alienate him. And hanging over all this are the constant thoughts about the divorce and how this situation has affected or is affecting him. I now live with the fear that either the entire situation or the ways I handle his misbehavior are traumatizing him, and basically, I'm in so deep that I've lost my perspective.

(And then I think, had I stayed married, the dysfunction within the home would have affected him just as badly, if not worse. I know this. I find some comfort in knowing that I can now offer him a home that is much more peaceful and completely tension-free, and a mother who does not constantly feel besieged. But this is a very small comfort, and passes quickly.)

UGH.

UGH.

I feel so stuck.

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Posted by Tere @ 6/29/2009   | | | links to this post

Friday, June 26, 2009

Please Let Things Continue on this Path

I just got my car back. A full month since it was towed to the body shop, and 33 days after the accident itself.

I have a full, dramatic story to share about this ordeal, but right now, I can only handle this: my car is back. She looks great, is running perfectly and is cleaner (inside and out) than she's ever been.

I started crying when I sat in my seat, feeling like an idiot. I didn't know I'd be so emotional about it. It's just been such an emotionally exhausting experience.

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Posted by Tere @ 6/26/2009   | | | links to this post

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Improvement Squared

I've been feeling (ever since the great "are you effing kidding me??" episode of 2009) like someone me hechó un mal de ojo (put a hex on me): first that piece of crap to have to swallow, followed by the car accident; and from there, an untold number of incidents (smaller in scale but touching on every aspect of my life) - that have all made me feel frustrated and hopeless and pissy and done.

Getting sick earlier this week was, like, the nail in the coffin. Because all I needed was a couple of days to feel like death, with enough time on my hands to brood over all the things that had been happening over the last month.

And even though I knew it would all eventually pass, I was getting more and more frustrated at how nothing was passing fast or easily enough.

So yesterday, when I began to feel better, I was pleased. When Max and I shared a lovely, sweet, affectionate afternoon/evening, I was happy. After my very nice phone conversation, I was thrilled.

And this morning, a couple more pieces of good news (one totally unexpected but very welcome) have pretty much convinced me that life is (maybe, just maybe) settling back to normal.

No, that's not gonna jinx it.

It just means that maybe I can stop stressing about so many damn things, and feel like myself again.

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So in honor of my being in better spirits, here's a playlist of the songs I'm currently obsessed with.

Rapid Hope Loss, Dashboard Confessional
Trust, Eric James & the New Century
Sleeping to Dream, Jason Mraz
Can't Let Go, Landon Pigg
The Resolution, Jack's Mannequin
Dark Blue, Jack's Mannequin
Dinner Last Night, O.A.R
Today, Joshua Radin

Seriously, I'm massively in love with Joshua Radin and Jack's Mannequin. I can't believe I've just now discovered them both - where have they been all my life?

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I'll leave you with the most hilarious thing I've seen in ages. Seriously, click. (And note, there are many vegetarians in my life and I love them all and would never mean to be insensitive towards them. But really, this is so damn funny. Reminds me of one of my favorite t-shirts.)

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Posted by Tere @ 6/25/2009   | | | links to this post

Improvement

Feeling better and almost back to normal. Meds have definitely kicked in. I had a crazy day yesterday trying to get back in the groove of work, home and child.

I'm kinda bummed I didn't write last night like I wanted to (it's 12:40 a.m. right now, I can't seem to get to sleep). But I found myself once again on the phone, having a very, very nice conversation (insert coy smile here).

Posted by Tere @ 6/25/2009   | | | links to this post

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

A Sick Tere is a Generally Unhappy Tere; and the Rant that Wasn't

O.k., so I'm really sick. I've had a fever, on and off, since late Sunday. My throat today is worse, and whatever I have has spread to my ears. It hurt to talk yesterday; today, I can barely get 10 words out without wanting to shrivel up from the excruciating pain in my throat.

I'm threw the towel in and went to my doctor late this afternoon. And yes, I definitely have an ear/throat infection, and right now I'm bummed that I took the first two pills from the Z-pack he gave me, and I'm not feeling any better. I'm in too much pain to wait a few days before it goes away. I want instant healing!

But in spending a couple of days out of commission and feeling generally crappy, it's been impossible not to stop my mind from brooding and analyzing. I'm not very happy about that, but considering that I've spent a lot of time in bed, by turns passing out and others trying to pass out, it's pretty much been inevitable. And right now, feeling so sick and so stressed about a zillion things, I feel cranky and done and irritated beyond all reason.

I was going to launch into this horrific rant about one particular thing that's been bugging me, because as recently as this past Friday I've still been dealing with it, but I've thought the better of it. What I wrote was too specific, too revealing of personal things, too fierce in my frustration. And ultimately, there's just no point to it. That's the key: there's no point.

UGH.

I need to get better from this infection. I need to survive the next six or so weeks at work. I need a break. Seriously, I really do.

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Posted by Tere @ 6/23/2009   | | | links to this post

Monday, June 22, 2009

Mami Wishes She Could Be a Mermaid

I am apparently not living up to my child's standards of magicalness. As I settled him into his car seat this afternoon, he asked me, "Mami, when are you going to turn into a teacher, or mermaid, or something?" When I explained that I couldn't turn into any of those things, that I was just regular mami, the boy looked thoroughly unimpressed.

Guess you can't win 'em all.

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Posted by Tere @ 6/22/2009   | | | links to this post

Sick Day

Whenever I feel sick (like, really sick), I usually just soldier through and head to work anyway. As a kid, we were only allowed to miss school if we felt so sick that the vomit was pouring out of us, or our fever so high that we had to go to the doctor anyway. There was no such thing as, "my throat hurts and I feel run down, so let me miss school." My mother would never allow it.

So as an adult, that's pretty much stuck. Unless I am physically unable to move, life goes on when I'm sick, and I have to drag my way through as best as I can.

When I was recently sick, sicker than I'd been in a couple of years (literally unable to move), I still worked. From home, but still. Things needed my immediate attention, and I couldn't well ignore them.

Today, though, I'm taking a sick day. I feel so awful that I can barely keep my eyes open. My throat feels as if it's on fire, and it's so bad I can't even swallow. I spent yesterday feeling awful, and today hasn't gotten off to any better a start. It actually feels worse.

I decided to just take the day off when I was on the phone five minutes ago with the body shop that (still) has my car, and they told me it'd be another few days - and I promptly started to cry, the frustration of some aspects of my life this last month finally feeling too overwhelming for me.

So today - today I'm crawling back to bed and taking care of myself.

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Posted by Tere @ 6/22/2009   | | | links to this post

Saturday, June 20, 2009

The One Where I'm Done with People

I've had one of those weeks where, from an emotional aspect, I've been running a short fuse.

A number of situations, involving a number of people, have all just become unbearable in one fell swoop. I've reached that limit where I'm beyond irritated at everyone and everything. The result is that I've felt moody, introspective and anti-social for days now, and I'm done with this funk, yet am seemingly unable to shake myself out of it.

Seriously, sometimes I just hate people. I hate the way they are so selfish and thoughtless, and so cowardly. I'm not saying I'm above these things, but I sure as hell know that this is not the place I primarily act out of. And I suppose, because I am always trying so hard to be the exact opposite of these things, that I am extra-impatient and lacking in empathy for people who are basically like this all the time. And given the shit I've had to take the last couple of weeks (or really, we could go back a month to the crap that happened just before my car accident), I am just done. Done. Done done done done.

But unfortunately, I will have to continue dealing with them, and in a couple cases, will have to confront some things head on. Which is a whole other mess unto itself.

Argh. For once, I just want to close my eyes and make it all go away.

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Posted by Tere @ 6/20/2009   | | | links to this post