Mama's Wish List (Updated)
Don't know what to get your favorite blogger for the holidays? Here, let me make it real easy for you:
One full-body massage per month for a year
A box of doughnuts from Krispy Kreme
One pedicure every six weeks for a year
Gift certificates to Sephora, amazon.com, Target, iTunes & Bath and Body Works
Any and all of those damn cute, gourmet-ish gift sets from Target
Need I say it? Shoes
A shower head. That detaches. And sprays really strongly.
EDIT: I've found some specific items I want. Namely, this. And this.
Still, I much rather gifts from here.
Labels: wish list
The Pregnancy Dream
I have to confess, I’m a bit worried. Between someone I know who just had her second baby, to two others who are each about to have their second baby, to the dream I had last night about having my own second baby (it was a girl!), I’m fearing for myself.
Irrational, perhaps. But I have lots of qualms about having a second child, which I won’t get into since I already covered that. Actually, I’ve warmed up a lot to the idea (and there’s still the fact that I loved being pregnant and would easily welcome any opportunity to be all cute and adored by all once again), but the truth is that going that route right now would be pretty awful, for a good number of reasons. And in my typical paranoia, I’ve managed to scare the hell out of myself.
People (with collective rolling of the eyes): All right, paranoia, what’s the friggin deal? I mean, jeez, chill the hell out for like, two seconds.
It’s my pregnancy dream, people. Basically, over the last nine years, every single time I’ve dreamt I was pregnant, specifically that I’ve given birth and it was vivid and real, someone close to me has found out they’re pregnant within two weeks of the dream. I’ve predicted about nine babies now, including my own, and I knew as much because of some specific differences in that dream.
Last night’s dream did not follow the traditional pattern of the others, which is why I’m thinking of myself and not someone else.
So now I need you to cross your fingers in the hope that it's not me. Someone else, sure. But not me. Not right now.
tags: pregnancy, second child
I hope to have good news for all of you in the next few days. Right now, however, I need lots of positive thinking, good wishes and finger crossing on my behalf.
So I'd really appreciate it if you could do that for me, k? If everything turns out as I hope it will, I'll treat you all to some coffee - promise.
EDIT: NFK is right in mentioning that this was a confusing message. A clearer explanation is in the comments section.
Is it bad to feel this good?
I recently got word that one of my ex's (not saying which one) current girlfriend is a *known* whore and *avid* drug abuser. And has been for at least 14 years (yes, it was quite an early start!)
It sucks considering that last I heard (from the ex himself), this guy was trying to stay on a healthy path - in terms of lifestyle, career, etc.
It's awesome because, according to a decent number of sources, she is a spectacular train wreck and I - quite frankly - feel a very perverted joy in knowing this guy went from me to far, far, FAR worse.
The confirmation that yes, there are far worse partners than me makes me especially giddy.
You know you're deep into motherhood when...
... a handsome man walks by you and all you can think is, "Wow, that guy looks just like Greg* from the Wiggles."
(* - I don't think Greg** is particularly hot.)
(** - Greg is currently very ill and we wish him a speedy and complete recovery.)
The Thoughts That Rattle Around in my Head
* Whenever the blogs I regularly read don’t update for a few days, I think the writer died.
* Someone came into my house overnight and replaced my baby with a chubby toddler. I don’t know who this child is.
* I’ve been having very strange dreams for at least three nights in a row, and they’re so sad and vivid and uncomfortable that they’re troubling me even when I’m awake.
* There will be an intimate little gathering at my home in a little over a week, and I have yet to plan a single thing or invite anyone. I don’t even know, except some usual suspects, whom I should invite or if anyone will go. Will I sound crazy or rude or totally lacking in social skills if I just ask those who want to be invited to e-mail me? It would make my life a lot easier that way. Maybe I'll just leave it all to the day before and invite 6 people.
* I think it’s time to suck it up and commit to allergy shots.
* Will my house ever be organized?
* Why must Ben watch the same movies over and over again every single time they air on TV, whether it’s all day, all week or all month long?
* The headaches I’ve been getting on a daily basis for days now are making it really hard for me to focus or concentrate on anything.
* On the rare occasions my house manages to be organized, it feels completely weird and fake.
* I need a larger closet.
* I also need a regular exercise buddy who will motivate me to move my ass and who will make me feel like shit when I slack. And who is willing to come to my house and accommodate my hectic schedule.
* I think I could use a makeover. But I only want one if I get to have a whole bunch of new clothes, cosmetics and shoes.
* I haven’t had a nice, relaxing bubble bath in a long time. Perhaps I should.
About Truths, Regrets, and Having Balls
(nothing in particular precipitated this post, it's merely me collecting my thoughts on the matter)
At the height of one of our darkest periods together, Ben told me something that I’ve come to realize is very true about me: in the absence of answers, explanations, or any kind of words from someone, I create my own truth about them and their thoughts and feelings about me and our relationship, and I stick to that “truth” regardless of any information or answers I may later on receive.
That’s the plain truth. That’s my way of creating closure when I can’t count on the other person to give it to me. And I’m thinking about this now because I keep catching myself doing it – having mental conversations about people and filling in all the blanks in the way I see fit.
And you know what happens from there – the things you tell yourself just to make it all bearable at some point become “the truth,” and for me personally, they remain the truth, even if, as in some cases, the person and I get to clear the air.
Silence is deadly, because in its presence I pick up whatever clues I can about someone, and then put it all together to form a story that explains why things are they way they are. When Ben and I went through this, for every “truth” I threw at him, he offered his side, fully explaning his actions and answering all my questions. And yet, for a long time, I couldn’t accept any of it. I felt like, if that’s the truth, if it was all that simple, why couldn’t you simply tell me? Why not send me an e-mail if speaking to me was too much, and say, “for the record, know this…”?
Leaving me alone in silence with no clear answers or explanations is the worst thing someone can do to me. I can handle infidelity, someone telling me they didn’t love me as much as I loved them, or at all, or telling me that they really didn’t plan to spend their life with me or any of whatever crap they promised me – any of it – as long as someone TELLS me. How fucking hard is that? I mean, it’s real easy to look back and say, “Oh yeah, I regret hurting you,” or, “I regret letting you go,” but whenever I’ve heard that, the only thought in my head is, “Oh yeah? If that were true, you would do or would have done something to fix it,” and I care for nothing else they have to say, because the silence I had to live with is simply unforgivable, and words like that are cheap and easy to toss around.
It’s just part of my way of dealing with things. I’m black and white on these things, even if the rest of my life is all gray.
I will forever admire Ben for doing what he did. For having a regret so great he couldn’t stand to live anymore unless he at least tried to do something about it. He was a real man for doing that, for bucking up and plunging in, without knowing how his efforts would be received or what the outcome would be. He may very well tell you now that it wasn't worth it, but at the time, it was. And he did something about it.
That's more than I can say about anyone else.
So we needed to get this rubber mat thing for the floor (I can't describe it, just click on the link). We have one set already and needed another one, because we had to get rid of our area rug, and with a 14-month-old running all over the place, we need something to protect him (and the wood floors!)
We decided to go to K-mart, since that's where Ben got the first set a few months ago. I was there two weeks ago (the one in Westchester) and had actually snagged some good deals on some stuff I had no idea I needed until I saw them there. So as we arrive today, we see all these signs announcing that the store is closing down. And I'm like, "Oh shit," to which Ben is like, "What?" And I just have this feeling inside - store closing in Miami? Chaos is sure to be king in there.
And when we walked in, wow. Holy hell. Damn. It was beyond chaos. People were grabbing things - anything - and piling it into carts. Actually, they were ransacking, because there was no "shopping" going on there. People, it was bad. BAD. There was merchandise strewn everywhere: on the floors, spilling onto the main aisles, right up close to the doorway. I think they were trying to get away. There were bras hanging in sporting goods, children's toys in bed and bath; and the lingerie dept.'s walls were bare and and sad and absolutely ravaged.
People were dashing about like they had 60 seconds before the clock rang and all the stuff would disappear. It was madness - incoherent, savage and ultimately, pointless. The entire store was 20% off. That's it. The place looked like savages had torn it apart, and it was all 20-fucking-percent off.
You tell me everything was 75% off, and I might understand, if not approve of, the savagery. And while 20% is nothing to shrug off, I don't think it merits such unhinged luncacy as what I saw today.
We wandered like scared bunny rabbits for 10 minutes before giving up. By the time we passed the fishing rods (the fishing rods that were thrown all over the floor and spread over three aisles), I wanted to throw up - it was just so beyond messy that it was actually depressing. As we headed out, we passed the registers, where carts piled high with crap stretched far back into the clothing department.
"It's so bad I almost want to write about it," I told Ben. "Why don't you?" he said. "Well," I replied, "I've been planning this post about Little Einsteins and how annoying they are, and I wanted to finish it today." "Oh, I think that can wait one more day," he said. "This is worth it."
Wish you'd been there, people. You would've wanted to vomit, too.
tags: k-mart, savage people
Welcome Amalah & ClubMom Readers
Wow, what they say about the famous bloggers is true: one link from them and your stats shoot to the stratosphere.
Amy (the world-famous Amalah) was kind enough to link to my post of Max in all his delicious Halloween glory in her ClubMom Daily Dose Blog Roundup, and within, like, 3 seconds, my stats have sky-rockted into the heavens and beyond. As in, by 3:15 p.m., they were triple my daily average. Ack. Wow.
So, thanks Amy and all of you who have paid a visit. Please get comfy, click on the archives, and stay awhile - I hope you're entertained enough to come back again. And again. And again.
Because I need your love.