A Mom, a Blog, and the Life In-Between

Monday, May 21, 2007

Worrying as a Relative Thing

I have to tell you, despite my being a totally anxious worrier, who can't imagine going through life without imagining every. possible. scenario. ever., I think I've got my priorities about what to worry about pretty straight.

I worry that if I turn my back for two seconds, that will be the moment my son dunks his head in the toilet and drowns.

I worry that there is some deadly disease inside him that will one day come out and destroy him.

I worry about my ability to raise him right.

I worry about all the other things I may not be actively thinking about that I should be, but don't because I don't know what they are.

But I have to tell you, I don't worry about him running and falling. I don't worry about whether he missed a bath or not. I don't worry about all those reports that come out with freaky declarations (TV causes autism, vaccines cause autism, etc.), because if I did, I wouldn't be able to function. I try to just use moderation in all aspects of my life, hoping that the middle road is the safest.

Oh, and I don't worry about the evil messages hidden inside Disney movies.

Worrying is relative (well hell, don't you come to me for these kinds of revelations?). But I'm learning more and more that at least as far as parenting is concerned, what we worry about has an awful lot to do with our place on the social and economic ladder. And seeing as how I'm pretty low (o.k., fine, maybe like around the middle) on that ladder, I don't have the time or financial status that make worrying about Disney feasible.

I was at a kids' party this weekend where some of the parents were affluent, white Americans. They were also a few years older than me, and I felt a bit out of place. At one point, I stumbled upon a couple of the parents chit chatting. One of the boys was dressed as one of the Incredibles, and one of the dads was asking him which one he was, if he liked the movie, etc. It was actually a cute exchange. Until the dad goes, "I know it's a kids movie, but I love it," and one of the moms replied with, "Yeah, but one of the characters tries to commit suicide! All these Disney movies: violence, orphans, suffering. It's just too much. I don't know what to do about this." Well, considering it was her kid in the costume, perhaps she shouldn't let him watch those movies and buy him the merchandise. That might be a good place to start.

Witnessing this exchange, I'll confess, left me with a slight headache from all the eye rolling I did. Where do I begin? On one hand, I can't help but think that there are far greater things to stress about than Disney movies. Second, if you're so inclined to worry about Disney movies, that's fine, but then don't let your kids watch them, and certainly don't buy them all the related merchandise. Third, am I mistaken and naive in my belief that Disney movies are fairly benign and that the "violence and suffering" presented in them aren't done in a gratuitous way? And that there's nothing "bad" about exposing a child to concepts like abandonment, loneliness and alienation?

Now, I'm not a Disney fan. I currently have no plans to buy my child(ren) all the movies and buy them all the crap that comes with them. But am I "against" them? No. I'm not going to care if Max is gifted any of the stuff. I have an overall thing about not allowing my kids to ever have too many toys, but it's not specific to Disney.

But back to my "worrying is relative" thing. Is it? Can those of us who are wealthier or who don't have to live paycheck-to-paycheck "afford" to worry about these kinds of things, while the working stiffs and poor among us cannot? Keep in mind, while this exchanged happened between affluent Anglos, I don't believe this is a race or cultural thing so much as a financial/social one. I honestly do wonder. I mean, if you have to work 65 hours a week just to makes ends meet and so don't have a lot of time to spend with your kids and they're alone a lot, and you live in an urban (or "not safe") setting, is it fair to say you might not give a damn about Disney movies but would give many damns about drug dealers getting to your child? And yeah, all parents worry (or should worry) about drugs, but is the possibility more present for some than others?

Another thought I had during this exchange was one that I confess to having many times: "Eso es cosa de Americano" - "That's an American thing". I don't know how true that is, but just like I spent a childhood feeling that "Americans" (white Anglos) lived on a different plane than my family and community (a plane that was by turns truly fascinating and utterly ridiculous), I now find myself feeling the same way about "American" parenting (the ear-piercing post is a good example of this). The positive aspect is that I'm constantly learning; and since I believe I'm fairly open-minded, I think I'm receptive to new ideas and rituals and ways of thinking. The negative aspect is that when something strikes me as silly or odd, it's easy to say "Eso es cosa de Americano" in a very dismissive, scornful way, so that the interpretation is less "Hey, look, another cultural difference! Interesting!" and more "These people are on crack". And honestly, when this lady was going off on Disney, it was more along the lines of "how ridiculous" than it was on making an observation about culture and socio-economics and blah, blah, blahbity-blah.

So I see two issues here: the worrying-is-relative-to-financial/social-status theory, which for me, is true of most cultures (including my own - I've seen plenty of Cuban-Americans being just as "ridiculous"); and on a more personal level, my "struggle" with the feeling/idea that being bilingual and bi-cultural offers a very different (sometimes positive, sometimes negative) perspective on how "white people" live and parent. And I use the term "struggle" because I hate it when I tell Ben "eso es cosa de Americano" when he reveals yet more shit I have no clue about. And what I hate is both that familiar feeling of being a stranger in my own land and also feeling critical about it. Critical, perhaps, as a defense mechanism? I'm not sure. I certainly mean no ill will by it, yet I can't deny that there are some things about white American standards and practices that I just don't get. That is neither good or bad to me, it just is what it is, a by-product of my life's circumstances.

Of course, everyone else says the same thing about Cubans (and African-Americans and Mexicans and Asians, etc., etc., etc.), right? So maybe ultimately, in that regard, it's an even playing field.

Or so I'd like to think.

Labels: americans, cuban-americans, motherhood, parenting, worrying

Posted by Tere @ 5/21/2007 | Permalink |

5 Comments

Joke posted at 5/21/2007 3:15 PM
Wait.

One of The Incredibles tries to commit suicide?

And, as someone whose friends are mostly Anglo, that's not an Anglo thing.

That's an imbecile thing.

-J.

Tere posted at 5/21/2007 4:35 PM
LOL She said "one of the characters", so it could be anyone in the movie. I only saw the movie once so I have no idea who she was referring to.

I took it more as an "has too much time on her hands" thing.

slouching mom posted at 5/21/2007 6:45 PM
I try to follow this maxim:

Moderation in all things.

In amount of TV watching, in exposure to Disney movies, in sugary foods, in video games...

It hasn't failed me yet.

Life's too short for all that misplaced worry.

Adela posted at 5/21/2007 8:14 PM
In our household we say "eso es una gringada" in the same dismissive tone, although I have to say that to this day I can't sit through Disney movies, especially Dumbo.
You are on to something with that type of worrying being a luxury. I read somewhere that depression and suicide rates drop during times of war or hunger. Basically, you don't have time time for it.

kim posted at 8/09/2007 2:58 PM
I think that many times we confuse cultural differences with class differences.

The Disney thing was a class thing and you nailed it with the affording to worry.