A Mom, a Blog, and the Life In-Between

Friday, May 11, 2007

All Hail Tere the Mother

You see me here quite frequently as anxious and slightly paranoid, over-analyzing and exaggerating (only a little!) things to the point that I sometimes wonder if you're all rolling your eyes at me, because seriously Tere, get a freakin' grip.

That is who I am. I am that anxious and slightly paranoid (some would argue the "slightly" part, too); an over-analyzer who drives herself crazy with the constant imagining of every. possible. scenario.; every. possible. horrible. thing. that. can. happen.

I do spend a lot of my time wondering if I'm being too strict with Max, or too lax; if I'm focusing too much on any one thing and not enough on another; if I really do know what the hell I'm doing or if I'm missing something important.

But the truth is, I'm a damn good mother, and I know it. I'm a damn good woman, and I know it. I'm a damn good human being, and I know it. I'm also the master of Jeopardy, but I don't want to overwhelm you right now.

In my quest to be a better Tere, a better woman, a better mother, I have to stop and acknowledge that I'm o.k. as is, and that I strive for more mainly because it's just my nature to do so. As aware as I am about all my faults and failures, I am just as equally aware of my good points.

I share this with you because I've been thinking about how I sometimes struggle to mesh early-Tere with pre-motherhood Tere with motherhood Tere. I focus so much on the final product (especially the negative aspects of that product) that I don't step back and look at each individual part, particularly Tere the Mother.

Becoming a mother completed a big part of me. While I question my overall "maternalness", big, empty holes I had inside me began to fill with my pregnancy and completely filled up with Max's birth. Those holes are overflowing now. This completion exists simply because Max exists. It doesn't hinge on anything but that. His presence in this world and in my life has made my heart and soul open up, expand, and make room for others. Not just other children, but other people as well. Where I've always had a sense of social justice and an ability to put myself in someone else's shoes, the greater part of my life and psyche has been ruled by anger. And while I've spent many years dealing with that anger and letting it go, it is only with Max's coming into my life that it has all finally begun to come together, and I finally feel like I'm on the right path.

Becoming a mother has allowed me to feel compassion without anger, which is how it used to be. Anger accompanied everything. I still have surface anger and frustration, the bursts of temper brought on by driving in this town or things that I feel are unjust. But it's the deeper anger, the one whose roots lay in my childhood and that coated everything in my life, the "real" anger, that I've been able to place in proper perspective and deal with in a healthy manner. I don't care so much to get rid of the anger as I do finding a way to live with it without it taking over everything and consuming me. And in becoming a mother, I have been finding the ways.

But that doesn't cover who I am as a mother. It's a big part, but not at all of it, and certainly not the part I often ignore in my pursuit of meshing all my selves into one.

Tere the mother is a lot more capable than I give her credit for. She multi tasks, comforts and nurtures, and manages to do it all with a kick-ass sense of humor. She does a good job of not letting the guilt consume her. She's able to stop her own whining and ignore her exhaustion to give her child one more piggy-back ride, one more story, one more cookie, one more cuddling session that includes a lot of boob fondling (you can take the baby off the boob, but you can't take boob-obsession away from the baby).

When I compare myself of two years ago to my current self, I realize that I am now more patient (just a little bit, but it counts!), more confident, more at peace, more grounded, more in tune with myself, more daring, less dramatic (seriously), less selfish, less self-absorbed, less despaired, less depressed.

All because I became a mother. I don't want you to view me as "just" a mother or give me all the stereotypical attributes that society has given us. But I want you to know that I'm one hell of a mother, and damn proud of it.

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there!
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Other mothers in the blogosphere are sharing their thoughts on motherhood today; check them out. Courtesy of the Parent Bloggers Network and Light Iris, who are holding a bunch of neat contests.

Labels: mother, mother's day, motherhood, self

Posted by Tere @ 5/11/2007 | Permalink |

5 Comments

Balou posted at 5/11/2007 12:13 PM
Hate to say "I told you so"... so I'll just think it in my head. =) I knew you had more in you than just "popping out the kid" (ahem).

BTW, this post actually got me teary-eyed. And that's not Tere the mother; that's Tere the writer. Kudos my friend!

Freckle Face Girl posted at 5/11/2007 12:52 PM
Happy Mother's Day! Great post & great picture.

slouching mom posted at 5/11/2007 2:21 PM
What a journey, Tere! I applaud the changes you've made, although I get the sense that you were always a good person. Always.

Love the picture, and happy mother's day.

Jenny posted at 5/11/2007 4:42 PM
"I don't care so much to get rid of the anger as I do finding a way to live with it without it taking over everything and consuming me."

I love this sentence. I find it incredibly wise, very healthy, and just...totally human. There is a deep morality, an ethics, to living with our own angels and demons within us - to acknowledging their presence, getting to know them, and inviting them to live together within us, the lion and the lamb of our own psyches.

I loved it. I think you are on an awesome path, WonderMom!

Dayngr posted at 5/12/2007 1:23 PM
I'm one hell of a mother, and damn proud of it.

I agree wholeheartedly and I am proud to call you my blog bud!