Thursday, June 14, 2007

Movement

My life changed the moment I first felt Max move inside me. I was around 20 weeks along, and I clearly remember sitting at my desk when I felt a little squiggle inside me. The best way to describe it - like a small fish swimming in my belly. I wasn't even sure that I had felt him move, or that I had even felt anything, period. But a while later, I felt it again. And again. And again.

That movement inside me changed everything. From that day forward, there was no other purpose in my life than to feel my son move. Nothing else mattered. It's not just that I lived for the thrill I felt when he moved; it was that I could not bear anything else until I felt that first movement of the day - the confirmation that he was still there, alive and growing.

There was one day - one awful, awful day - where he didn't move in the morning. Nor in the afternoon. It was nighttime - and I was nearly hysterical - when he finally gave me a good kick. I had spent that day alternately praying; talking to Max, trying to reason with him and finally begging him to fucking kick me already; and poking my belly to see if I could make him move myself.

It was that day that I realized that nothing would ever matter to me more than my son and the family we were creating; that a lot of things that had mattered up until that moment no longer mattered; that the course and meaning of my life had been irrevocably changed.

At the time, I tried to capture what I was feeling. Below is what I wrote and posted on my first website.


The Movements That Move Me
2005

My life now is all about your movements inside me -- feeling you kick, move, jab, poke -- anything that will show me you're alive and well and thriving. I wake up each day in anticipation, wondering what will prompt you to move, at what time, and for how long. If you take too long to make your presence known, I start worry, fearing the worst has happened. And when you finally greet me with a swift kick to my stomach, I count each jab, my smile growing wider with each successive one.

Nothing matters as much as those kicks. They are how I measure the hours, the days, the moments until you arrive and make me fall in love with life all over again. Nothing thrills me like feeling you move; there is nothing more important than you, your existence having by now overtaken my own.

Every little sensation makes me hold my breath, makes me stop in my tracks so I can just enjoy the moment and bask in your strength, your determination to grow and come into this world. Every little jab is miraculous -- and when you start to hiccup, my heart swells and I start to laugh -- because those hiccups drive home the undeniable fact that you are real. REAL. You are real and mine and wondrous in ways I never imagined you could be.

I haven't even held you yet and already you've made me a new, different, better woman. You've been the missing piece. And once I hold you in my arms, I will be a complete woman.

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Posted by Tere @ 6/14/2007   | |

6 Comments

  • Blogger www.Miami-Forum.com posted at 6/14/2007 1:03 PM  
    wow ... That was very powerful!
  • Blogger Dayngr posted at 6/14/2007 1:15 PM  
    Amazingly beautiful. Just reading this made my eyes well up with tears. What a gift a baby is.
  • Blogger Balou posted at 6/14/2007 1:37 PM  
    Wow... I could barely finish reading through the tears. Beautiful, T!
  • Blogger slouching mom posted at 6/14/2007 3:29 PM  
    Beautiful and moving.

    (Get it? Moving? Oh so lame.)
  • Blogger Lillianna & Adrián Simó posted at 6/14/2007 6:14 PM  
    Beautiful post...

    A few months ago I would not have been able to relate to anything you wrote in this post but ever since my baby started kicking I also look forward to that first kick to let me know he is OK.

    At times it can get annoying because I am trying to rest and he will be doing laps in my belly but I then realize that it is his way of letting me know that he is growing and active.
  • Blogger Jenny posted at 6/15/2007 11:14 AM  
    You took me back to those delicious movements. Its something very special to the woman, something uniquely hers - the experience of life growing inside her body.

    The miracle of it all never ceases to amaze me.
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