I own all the content and pictures on this site, except where noted. If you steal anything from me, and
especially if you do anything mean or inappropriate with them, I will find you. Then I'll sue you for
theft, slander, libel and any other law that applies. Then I'll ridicule you in humiliating ways
here and everywhere else I contribute to. If you fuck with me, I'll get get all Gladiator on your ass
and unleash hell. Think I'm kidding? So did my a couple of my exes, my old neighbors, as well as
some assholes who ripped me off on Ebay, and last I heard, they were all still trying to undo the
damage I caused.
I was reading some of my older posts and came across some older ones that, honestly, I'd completely forgotten I'd even written. It's funny, sometimes I'll come across something I wrote a long time ago and will be thoroughly impressed with it. Which is weird only because I'm usually so critical of myself, and as I always worry that my writing is too convoluted and incoherent to be "good" or "moving" or "understandable".
So for your Thursday amusement, I give you some older posts that are among my favorites.
In 2008, after 7 years of marriage and almost 10 together, my marriage fell apart. Everything ended. It was painful and ugly and horrible. I tried to keep the worst of it out of this public forum, but it was impossible not to write about it. Here are the highlights.
Everything changes with this post. Though I said nothing publicly then, I was suffering through some crazy shit my ex was putting me through. That one thing snowballed into months of misery. But it was the misery I needed to get myself to the next level of recovery.
Meanwhile, I am still a mother to my wonderful boy. Becoming a single mother and navigating this new, scary life while trying to keep him protected from my pain becomes my mission, one that I worry about and agonize over a great deal.
But overall, I maintain hope for better days ahead.
NEW UPDATE (May 2010):
To say it's been an eventful year since my last update is an understatement. So much has happened, more than I could have imagined, so much of it so surprising and sweet. Last March, I had moved to a better place, but it was tenuous. All I was trying to do at that point was leave the sadness and grief and intense feelings of failure and pain and anger behind. In fact, let's start there:
My ex and ex-good friend are suddenly buddy-buddy, and while not my business or my problem, it is such an unexpected and surprising move on his part - and so revealing of a side of him I did not know existed - that it completely floors me. I thought at the time, now I finally understand exactly the kind of person he really is, but I wondered if the feeling would last. It has. I link to this now because it was indeed the moment where everything changed for me in a very deep and important way. I've never been able to look at him the same way since this. Bad car crash.
I'm hooked on milestone dates. A year ago from the date of this post, I broke the news of my marriage's ending; so naturally, I have to do a post about it.
My boob pops out at a water park. Thanks to this post, I've discovered just how many people troll the internet looking for "boobs pop out" or "boobs water park" or "boobs pop out at water park" (answer: too many).
Sharing custody of my son, while good in many ways, is extremely hard for me. I wonder all the time about how the back-and-forth affects him, and I feel like I live two lives. Some thoughts about it here. I'll write about this a few more times, and I know as I write this that there's more to come. These two things -- the back-and-forth and how fractured I feel -- are two huge issues in my life.
On anger. There is still some truth to this post, the way I react to things now out of fear of what consequences my anger will bring. I catch myself doing it but don't know how to fix it; it's like I've been reprogrammed to feel shame at expressing anger. This, I'm not too happy about.
Like millions of Americans, I lose my job. It's both bad and good, as the situation at work had become nightmarish. At the same time, there's other stuff brewing in my life, and it's really pretty neat.
BOOM! A (figurative) bomb goes off in my life, and everything - every. single. thing. - changes. That bomb? Was the explosion between Jevo and me. One moment we were friends - good friends who really cared about each other - and the next, wow.
Not having my son with me all the time kills me. It's devastating, a pain I carry with me all the time. Everything is shadowed by this reality and how much it hurts me. I don't know if I will ever find any peace with this, if the guilt will ever subside or if I'm hurting my son beyond repair. I just know that this is awful. And then, I explain a little more about it.
I try to share some thoughts about love, but I don't know, this might not make much sense. Bad, bad night. Max was sick and my very bad financial situation was worrying me to death. This night, everything just became too much for me.
Another big theme in my life: being a mother, and seeing and raising my son, without the divorce as the central theme of it all. This continues to be a challenge, though I definitely feel some progress.
Balou posted at 6/08/2007 2:26 PM
OMG, I hadn't read the post regarding Rachel Ray until you linked it here yesterday. Every time I watch "$40" I always think to myself "man, that's a shitty tip." LOL!!