A Mom, a Blog, and the Life In-Between

Monday, December 17, 2007

For Not Even Existing, This Second Baby Sure Is Causing Me A Lot Of Angst

We've been getting asked a lot lately about baby #2. It seems that because Max is now two-and-some years old, we should naturally be getting busy on #2. And all around us, friends and relatives are joyously expecting their first-borns and others are planning to start that journey in the coming year. It's really no surprise that people wonder about us: we are young, doing well in life, and our son is growing older and more independent. So what are we waiting for?

But if people only knew how torn we really feel about this mythical #2 - I wonder if they would understand, or if they would tell us to just get over ourselves and on with the procreating that seems to the charge of every young couple. Ben and I discuss it (it is not yet real enough to be a him or her or anything but a concept) at least once a month, if not more. It is a topic that makes us fight and cry and feel a strange mix of hopeful and miserable.

The truth is that we're not sure we want a second child, but we do feel (or rather, I feel very, very strongly) that Max needs and should have a sibling. Coming from a large family, I just can't wrap my head around having just one child. I know Max would miss out on so much as an only child, and I worry that I would drive my one child crazy with my neurosis. No, no matter how I slice it, I love large families and want one myself.

But there's no way around how hard it's been for me to accept all the ways that having a child has changed my life. Two years into this motherhood thing, and I'm still at odds with so much of it. I don't even fully understand it - I just know that as much as I love my son, as much I enjoy being a mother and feel blessed and happy to have Max in my life, I am also resentful of the way motherhood has taken away my own personal time (and must go through a bunch of hoops to arrange some alone time) and of the way that even the simplest things are now a mission. I don't feel this way all the time, but I feel it often enough to feel like shit over it.

And this is something I really need to come to terms with, because a second child is only going to make it all worse. If right now I get frustrated with the way my days usually go, what will I do when that's doubled? I can't in good conscience get pregnant when I regularly feel like Sisyphus, forever trying to just get one thing done quickly and efficiently and failing miserably every time.

For someone who works so well under pressure and who tends to get most frustrated at things I perceive as unjust or wrong in some way, I feel very puzzled and upset by how uptight and negative I am about my life as a mother. For example, when I'm facing a weekend where Ben works, I can feel the dread rising in me as I wonder, what the hell am I going to do and how am I going to get it done? But in every other aspect of my life, I just get shit done. I act. I move. I don't second-guess or wallow.

And yet, Max is the single best thing in my life. For all that he does to contribute to these feelings (very little, since I think it's all mostly in my head), he is the best person I know, and there is no question that I love him like a fool and am completely devoted to his happiness and well-being. And when I think about adding another child to the mix, my prevailing feeling is one of happiness, like this love I feel for one will undoubtedly double, and that I would ultimately be happiest with another child (if not a third!).

I guess I just keep waiting for this to get easier, and it's not happening. There's just so much strategic planning of every single move I make that I can handle before I start feeling trapped and crazy. As it is, in those moments when I talk about this #2 as if he/she were a fact and not a question, it's always with the understanding that the next few years of my life are going to suck ("I will suffer now for the greater good of the life and family I want," I've told Ben a few times already) before this special kind of dread eases and I feel less suffocated and like any effort on my part to do normal things like groceries and dine out is totally pointless.

But really, who knows? Who knows if I will be able to get over this? If I won't always feel trapped and suffocated to the point that it overshadows everything? I wish I could just surrender to all this, and not just certain parts of it. Loving my child unconditionally and happily placing his needs first? Check. Accepting how convoluted simple tasks have become? No check. Patiently repeating the same thing over and over because he thinks it's some kind of game? Check. Patiently running my errands even as he's climbing out the cart and slapping me? No check. I'm trying to find my center and basically feel like a failure.

Meanwhile, there's baby #2: a baby I will love no matter what; a baby I know I'll be thrilled to discover I'm carrying; a baby that will undoubtedly be as much a blessing and joy as my cherished #1. But it remains an it, a baby for whom I'm going to have to do a lot of personal work before I can peacefully accept it into my realm of possibilities.

A baby that right now stands as much a chance of being as of not being.

Labels: motherhood, parenting, second baby

Posted by Tere @ 12/17/2007 | Permalink |

9 Comments

twitter/rmedina posted at 12/18/2007 9:05 AM
Tere,

Coming from a parent of two, I totally understand what you are saying. Should you just keep Max or give him a sibling... Well, to be honest with you... It is totally up to you and your hubby (of course!). Since day one, my wife and I decided that we wanted to kids, but that we would love to wait a few years in between. How many years?... (7). Yes, we decided that 7 years in between was perfect for us and guess what? We had our second girl when the oldest was 7. It's been now 3 years since our second one was born and we don't regret any minute of it. My oldest is such a great help with the little one and the little respects the oldest. I don't think we could've done it with two toddlers running around the house. We both work from home and I think by now, something terrible would have happened if we were to have the two toddlers running around.

I know this is only 1 opinion, but hopefully it will make easier in your decision to wait a bit.

PS... Don't listen to the crowd to have another child. It is your responsibility, not theirs. People are not going to be in your house helping with Laundry, feeding them, bathing them, etc... You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of others and your sanity and your husband's is worth it.

- Take care...

Jenny posted at 12/18/2007 9:51 AM
I don't necessarily think its obviously better to have more than one. With Max growing up in Miami, he will have cousins that feel like siblings and a very large and tight and warm community that will make him feel very much a part of something and not alone.

There is good and bad to having a sibling. I see that now with my two, who are both very young and were born less than 2 years apart. Yes, they have a great time together and love each other. But they have to share me. On my end, I am completely taken over by their needs, and yet, on their end, they have to share me. There is jealously, and there are feelings of rejection. I often think back to Gabriel's life before Sebastian and it was very much a perfect little sheltered world of complete and utter devotion.

There is the other side, too. They play together a lot. And given that Sebastian is not even a year old yet, it is obvious to me that they are going to be playing endlessly and constantly in the years to come. And that's exciting. A constant best friend to hang out with.

On my end, surrender. Yes. Big word in my life. Remember my post about that in the early days of having 2? Having 2 makes me feel like, looking back, having 1 was like being a parent, yet still getting to live the life of a nonparent somewhat. Once the 2nd came into being, that's it. My life became completely and totally Being A Mother.

And yet, would I have been able to leap into that surrender with just Gabriel? I had just enough breathing room to never do it, and likely remain in that frustrated state. With Sebastian adding to the mix, I HAD to surrender, or I'd lose my mind. So surrender I did. And, in hindsight, there was much beauty in that choice.

But its hard work. Hard work.

For now, I agree with the previous comment. There is nothing wrong with waiting longer. And I'll add that there is nothing wrong with just having Max. Max will not lose out for a potential theoretical abstract reality that never comes to fruition. Life as it is now? Happy Max. Life with just the three of you would continue to be more of that same happiness.

Its a very hard decision. I am often glad that our second was an oopsie. Decision made for us.

There is no obviously right answer. I love having 2 for a lot of reasons, and i play with the idea of more kids often. But everything you say that is hard for you to except did not just double with two. It exploded exponentially.

Jenny posted at 12/18/2007 9:54 AM
typo. I meant "...hard for you to *accept* did not just double with two.

Jodi posted at 12/18/2007 1:28 PM
I'm only having one. And I've been very vocal about it. People tell me all the time I need to give my a child sibling, but I don't but that. I need to give my child food, shelter, and love. A sibling is optional.
Of course, that is my choice and not neccasarily yours, but don't let people pressure you. Only you can decided what is right for your family.
And If i were to have another one, I would be waiting seven years liek your first commenter. To me, that is the perfect age difference.

Lela posted at 12/18/2007 3:58 PM
I am an only child, but I wanted my children to have siblings. I now have three children, the first being four years apart. That was nice, with one in preschool it's like only having one at home. When #3 came along 23 months later, things got hectic, lol. The only thing I can tell you, is to accept that you will never get caught up till they move out, I used to stress about all that too. But people understand that kids are tough, and are more forgiving than we think. And if they aren't your blog peeps are here to listen to you bitch about it. :o)

Lela
http://whomadethismess.com

The Hen posted at 12/18/2007 8:22 PM
Tere, your honesty is a refreshing thing. We have one. We started late and dealt with infertility. Unless some santo grants me another, there only will be one. I'm OK with that now. I close my eyes and wrap my heart around the three of us and my family feels complete. It works for us. I have had to learn to shut out those who attempt to make a personal decision for me. My body, my family, my choice.

As for the difficulties and exhaustion in taking care of even just this one, I hear you. I'm over here with no family nearby and damn, I wish I could just spend a Sunday on the couch with a newspaper and some coffee. Alone...But, I tell myself that this is just a phase of my life. There will be much more freedom and much more ease to come.

Todo pasa.

Joke posted at 12/18/2007 10:46 PM
I/we feel exactly the same way about the possible #3.

Well, maybe with a bit (a tiny bit) less angst.

-J.

slouching mom posted at 12/19/2007 2:25 PM
I've actually found having two EASIER than one, because they play with each other and take some of the burden off of me.

FWIW.

Freckle Face Girl posted at 12/22/2007 3:30 PM
I come from a large family & my husband comes from a small family. We both lost a parent the year our first baby was born. During that time, I realized that having siblings makes the inevitable easier. Having a second one hasn’t been that demanding so far. It has only been 3 weeks though. I definitely would not say that it is twice as hard.