Labels: random thoughts
Monday Morning Thoughts
I've been kinda MIA around here (and everywhere in the blogosphere). It's just a situation where real life obligations, the holidays (and related activities/stress) and a case of writer's block/personal introspection have all collided.
For a while now, I've been posting every (week) day because I wanted to and because my schedule permitted it. On the one hand, I wanted the challenge of writing on a daily basis; on the other, I wanted to see if I could even do it. But now, some life changes are effectively ending my daily posting schedule.
Honestly? I'm glad. Reflecting on the last year of my writing here, my overall feeling is that I wasn't very good at writing "good" or entertaining or funny or moving or thought-provoking things here. I'm o.k. with that, but the realization brought something else to the forefront for me: at some point, I slipped from writing and sharing for writing and sharing's sake to writing and sharing for the audience's sake. And - I hope you understand - that's just not what I want out of this blog of mine.
Other bloggers have written about this struggle with writing when you know you have an audience, and how that affects both what one writes and how they feel about their writing. And yes, I'm going through a mild form of that. I just don't want to be entertaining thoughts about how something I write will be received - if it will generate lots of comments or be linked to from somewhere else or, I don't know, make me sprout wings and fly - because really, I just want to write.
I know, I can't write in a vacuum, not on the Internet. But I want to get back to the core of why I decided to do this and what I hope to achieve by it. And while yes, having an audience is very important to me, as is that audience's feedback, it's not the core. At least, I don't want it to turn me into a fake blogger/writer/person who is motivated by factors outside herself.
Does that make sense?
Anyway, I've also been feeling overwhelmed with all my writing responsibilities. I maintain two other blogs and contribute to a few sites, and if I had no full-time job, I could totally write everywhere with little problems, but. But I work full time and come home to be a full-time mom and basically have no free time until at least 9 p.m. And by 9 p.m., I just want to pass the hell out. I sound like I'm making lame excuses here, but honestly, I just don't have the time. Not if I want to maintain my personal relationships and clean my house and wrap presents and fulfill my work obligations and pay attention to my son and take the dog out to poop and clear all the junk out for the big garage sale.
So I've been a scatter-brain, a flake, an absent Internet person. I know, and I'm sorry and I'm digging myself out as best as I can.
As the dust settles on some personal things I'm going through (nothing bad, just different), I'll have a clearer idea of what kind of writing schedule I can set up for myself. I'm hoping I can keep all my projects/gigs going, but there may be some casualties if I honestly believe I just won't be able to juggle it all.