A Mom, a Blog, and the Life In-Between

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

If You're Fearless, I Might Want You

This is a post I'm going to look back to as the ramblings of a woman who is right now extremely exhausted, restless, sleep-deprived and all kinds of worried over a few particular things. When I get like this, I cope by fixing my thoughts on something far removed from the sources of these feelings - a safe distraction, if you will. I usually pick something positive, a wish or desire that I can look forward to, even if the probability of it ever being real is slim to none. At a time like this, I'm not exactly picky about that.

Be that as it may, this particular thought - this thing I want, this thing I keep thinking about - has been brewing inside me for ages now. It's been accumulating for years, driving me crazy sometimes, but generally staying far enough away that it didn't really bother me. With my life changing as it has, it's come back now, back to the forefront where it's getting harder to ignore, because now there is a much more real possibility than before that it could come to fruition.

I'm still trying to figure this whole "single" thing out. I think what makes the whole thing so stressful for me is the fact that I'm just not a dater; the dating world is completely foreign and unappealing to me. Frankly, I would much rather have the man of my dreams fall out of the sky and into my lap and be done with it. The good news for me is that I don't have to be or do anything I don't want to, so this stress exists only in my head. Still, I know I have to be realistic. At 31, assuming I'm not the victim of a violent crime, freak accident, or heinous disease, I still have a long life ahead of me, and statistically speaking, I won't be able to avoid this forever. Chances are greater that I will in fact have a relationship again. And to be specific, I mean a long-term, serious relationship. Maybe more than one, even, but I can only handle the thought of one; in fact, am I an idiot if I say I would prefer just one and have that person be IT? Either way, I've accepted this inevitability.

So, if that's how it's going to be, here is what I want: the boy who is fearless. The one who is so moved by me, so wowed, that he can't help show it without any of the fear we usually have with these things. I want the boy who isn't freaked out by commitment, by trust, by looking at someone like me and thinking, she is what I've been waiting for. Or, if he is scared, that he is fearless enough to say it. I want the one who will dive in first and then reach his hand out to me, encouraging me to join him; the one who is so freaking excited by the fact that he has me that he can barely contain himself.

I'm done committing to the guy who is controlled by fear, by excuses. I've always chosen him, thinking I could be "the one" to show him it was safe to love and show that love and be happy, fulfilled. I no longer want to be that person, don't want to be the one who risks everything while he remains secure behind his wall, flinging flimsy excuses and drowning me in the emptiness of it all.

I am now too different a person, my life is too different, to have patience for cowards who hide behind their issues: the crappy childhood, the traumatizing adolescence, the one who broke their heart. I have those too, we all do. But holding on to that and being paralyzed by it to the point that you push people away and shut them out is bullshit. I need someone far more grounded and realistic - but fearless and passionate - who can keep up with me.

My list of cowardly boys is long, too long. I always end up in the same place: frustrated, angry and hurt over trying so hard and being so open and ending up empty. Everything is different now.

Give me, one day, the boy who is fearless. He is the one who deserves me.

Labels: life part 2, love, single

Posted by Tere @ 8/27/2008 | Permalink |

10 Comments

Balou posted at 8/27/2008 11:04 AM
1 - Awesome post! Not rambling at all.

2 - 100% in agreement... We ALL have a past. I say flush and walk away. Grow the F up and deal with it. I hate the excuses and BS.

3 - I, too, am guilty of taking on "projects" instead of boyfriends. Done with that. DONE!

4 - If I come back as a dude in my next life, you and me? It's so on!

And finally...

5 - AMEN, SISTA!!

Jenny posted at 8/27/2008 5:01 PM
Hell yeah, Tere. You will find that fearless man because you now know how to recognize it!

Three cheers to the men (and women) who chose to wake up, grow up, and take charge of their lives.

xoxo

scg posted at 8/28/2008 6:15 AM
Tere, If I may give a suggestion - look deep inside of you and identify the core values of YOU. Seek someone who has most of the same ones, all if possible. Don't even talk or date or say "Hello" to anyone else. Don't settle for second best. Seek him who is your mate.

As a fellow who was madly in love with my first wife for 19 years, despite us not having any core values in common, I speak from experience. Love is meaningless without those core values. Love is deep wonderful icing on the cake of a relationship with those core values. When the rains come in any relationship, love won't keep you together. Those core values you share will.

My second and last wife, when we were dating, love failed us at times. But we could not escape from each other because the core values tied us to each other. Love came around, and while no marriage is perfect, I am as much in love with my wife now as I was the first time I kissed her.

I went from a terrible marriage with love but no core values, to one with core values that fuel the love forever.

You deserve your soul mate. Don't settle for anything less.

God bless.

SCG

scg posted at 8/28/2008 6:17 AM
Sorry, my last comnment cut off - my conclusion is, Don't settle for anything less than your soul mate Tere. You deserve it. You deserve it.

God bless,

SCG

Tere posted at 8/28/2008 9:54 AM
SCG, you're touching on things that I'm thinking very deeply about. This is one aspect of that for me, but yes, I agree with you that in the end, the core values need to match.

Perhaps I am asking too much in all that want; but I have time to figure this out. At the very least, I have absolutely no reason to NOT figure out what I want and set that standard for myself. If it comes, I will be the happiest woman on earth. And if it doesn't, I'll still be happy.

Silver posted at 8/28/2008 12:17 PM
What a great post. Glad to hear hope in your your tone. You're not asking too much.
I was in several long-time relationships that left me really bruised.
Several years later, at age 37, when I wasn't looking, or expecting it, a 'fearless' guy reached out... and for the first time, wedding bells!!!
I actually think part of it was knowing that I could survive on my own. I got to understand myself, forgetting the past and hurt, and it was so much easier.

Tere posted at 8/28/2008 2:46 PM
Silver, that's inspiring! Thank you for sharing that with me. I understand what you mean about knowing you could survive on your own. I really get that.

Holly at Tropic of Mom posted at 8/29/2008 12:08 AM
Maybe you'd like to hang out at airports where people go skydiving?

Kidding!

Seriously, I say good for you!

peter dooling posted at 8/31/2008 6:01 PM
I would swap out the word "boy" for "man" in your post. There is a big difference...

Tere posted at 9/01/2008 2:40 PM
Duly noted. It's definitely a "man" that I want!