A Mom, a Blog, and the Life In-Between

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Single

I have a new adjective by which I can describe myself: single. I am a single mother and a single woman, two things I'd never thought I'd be after Ben and I reconciled from our first separation.

It's a funny new word to me, single. At what point do I bring it into a conversation? How much explaining should I do when someone finds out that is what I am, but there's my son standing next to me? And what do I make of this for myself; how do I add this new element into a life that long ago forgot what that word felt like?

There are two single mes as I see it: Tere the single mom and Tere the single woman.

Tere the single mom is o.k. She has a handle on things and makes do just fine, even though she's far from stellar at this job. She has always known that she could do this. In fact, there was a time when it seemed as if her only option was single motherhood by choice, and it was then that she made her peace with the fact that if she ever found herself single and with a child, she would be fine. It might not be her ideal scenario, but she would be able to be a good, strong mom and everything would turn out fine. She struggles, though, when it's just the two of them for too many days in a row. Tempers flare, on both ends, as stubborn mom and stubborn child lock horns, and she in particular gets frustrated with the challenges of raising a toddler. Still, she thinks she's doing a pretty good job. She's having fun, cherishing her time with her boy.

It's Tere the single woman that there's a problem with. The last time she was single, she sucked at it. She always has. She just isn't good with the whole dating scene thing. She might survive a first or second date, but that's about it. Her problem is that she doesn't like to play games or waste her time; she doesn't like to be led on; she doesn't like getting her mind fucked with. Not that anybody does, just that she simply closes the door the second things seem fishy to her and doesn't stick around to see if things change. She goes with her gut. She is not able to play smooth, to be cool, to pretend. She's not sure just how much she can give right now, or what she might have to offer; but if she chooses to be with someone, she worries about her tendency to give and be all or nothing, especially at a time when her instinct is to protect herself and be on guard. It is this need, this knee-jerk reaction to self-protect, that will help her make good decisions, but which might make boys throw their hands up in exasperation and walk away.

It is just as well, then, that she has no interest in being part of the dating scene. She doesn't want to be set up, or go partying in clubs or bars. She doesn't want to meet random people in random places. So she is thankful that she doesn't have to do these things - not now, and not ever if she so chooses.

There is, however, one little thing: at the end of the day, I am a true believer. I may suck at dating, I may be struggling with some things, I may be terrified of this new aspect of my life, but I believe. I believe that the love and commitment I've always wanted can still be had with the right man. I believe in the right man. I believe he exists and that he would be just as lucky to have me as I would be to have him. And perhaps I am beyond stupid and naive to believe in things I've never had, things I have no reason to believe exist, but I do.

And then, there is the point where both aspects of this new singlehood meet: my son. He is the one who will keep me from being stupid and making bad choices, and he is also the one who will turn men off and away from me when it becomes clear that I won't compromise on my commitment to him and providing him a safe, loving life. I understand this; I understand that there will always come a point with someone where the conversations will have to be had and choices made. There is no having just me on any permanent, real level. Because there is Max; and to love and have me, to have a life with me, means to also love and have him as well. We are in the end a package, one that must be accepted and cherished wholly. This is the only thing set in stone, the only thing I know for certain.

I'm getting way ahead of myself here, I know. But it has to be acknowledged. It is not something that will always come into play, not something that will apply to everyone, but it will always be there.

There is so much tied to this word - single - now. Every day I have new thoughts, new feelings, new fears. I don't see any of it as bad, just new. Different. Everything is swirling around me - ground I will cover here in due time.

For now, I start with this, with single. Another adjective by which to describe me.

Labels: life part 2, me, single

Posted by Tere @ 8/12/2008 | Permalink |

7 Comments

The Mrs. posted at 8/12/2008 8:04 AM
Any guy that wouldn't take you and your son as a package isn't worth your time. Sounds to me, from your post, like you are doing just fine.

zdoodlebub posted at 8/12/2008 1:12 PM
The getting ahead of yourself part...I think that's part of how one heals. Starting to picture what the boundaries will be, but also dreaming big for the love you deserve.

So keep getting ahead of yourself!

SingleWorkingMommy posted at 8/12/2008 10:23 PM
Hey there. I blog jumped here somehow...

Good luck in your single mom life. You can do it--both as a single mom and single woman.

There are some great single mom blogs out there--the single mom blogging community is great.

You could start at mssinglemama.com. A lot of great single mom bloggers comment over there, and it looks like she might struggle with some of the issues you are dealing with right now.

SoloMother posted at 8/12/2008 10:24 PM
You're wonderful. Don't ever doubt yourself, you're on the right track.

Single Mom Seeking posted at 8/13/2008 10:18 AM
Just found you through Solo Mother. Love the way you write!

As Solo Mother says, good for you for NOT settling. It's okay to go on one or two dates, and not go further. You're more aware, you're seeing red flags you might not have seen before.

I started to date again when my kid turned two... and even wrote a book about it because I didn't know what the heck to do. I'm still learning. Because as my kid grows older and wiser, so do I (I hope).

I'll be back for more!

Tere posted at 8/13/2008 10:55 AM
Wow ladies, thanks so much for finding me and leaving your thoughts! Looks like I have a whole new part of the mom blogosphere to explore!

I look forward to visiting your sites.

And Z and Mrs., thanks, as always, for the vote of confidence!

Ady posted at 8/13/2008 5:00 PM
Tere, I totally understand how you feel. I went through that a couple of years ago but I found the light at the end of the tunnel. I love how your able to truly say what you feel. We need to hang out soon.