A Mom, a Blog, and the Life In-Between

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Circle "Yes" or "No"

So, anyone want to clue me in on what dating is like nowadays? Because I've realized I haven't got a clue, have no point of reference, and couldn't imagine what to do or expect or anything.

Let me first tell you why: I haven't been single in 10 years. A decade. Just earlier this year I was thrilled at having made it this far with one person, even as (or maybe precisely because) I knew it was all crumbling around me, had been for so long, and I was insisting on holding on. I neither regret nor am upset about this: I am a monogamist; I believe in the long-term; I want the long-term; and I have the peace of mind that I did every single thing under the sun to make it work until there was nothing left to try. So I harbor no ill feelings, no sense of wasted time. It was as it had to be.

During the time we were apart, I dated someone, so technically, my dating experience/knowledge is not a decade old, but it's still pretty old. More importantly, the person I dated was someone I'd known and dated back in high school, so it was a situation where we were instantly comfortable: we already knew we clicked and had chemistry, that we had a lot in common, and that we didn't have to play games with each other. So it just wasn't the same.

Given all this, I feel like a blind person walking in a mine field.

Wait. I could go with the flow, right? Let go, not give this another thought until it's staring me right in the face? Oh, hahahahahahaha. That's not me. I need a plan, I need knowledge, I need to be 10 steps ahead.

It's not every aspect of dating/men/all this crap I need help with, just the part where you have to guess what exactly is going on and what all the unspoken words (some spoken ones, too) and gestures mean. That's all.

Thankfully, I have some great friends who are willing to guide me along and let me stress out on their time. Take, for example, this recent chat between my girl Balou and me:

Me: o.k., so i need to know: do people still "ask" to go steady (and use the term "go steady"), or do some kind of verbal confirmation - or will i be expected to figure it out on my own?
maybe through telepathy?

Balou: lol

Me: seriously, i don't want to make assumptions or be an ass - would rather avoid that.

Balou: i'll play devil's advocate. if the guy spends almost all his free time with you and is attentive and thoughtful, wouldn't that tell you something?

Me: just that he likes me, not that we're exclusive. for all i would know, he's seeing other people, too.
which would be fine, i guess, and would mean i could also see whomever i please and not get hung up on someone who could take me or leave me. >:-(
don't mean to be so bitchy, just don't want to go out of my way or be as loving and awesome as i like being with someone who doesn't even want to make it exclusive and be in "relationship" mode. why bother.
ugh - getting worked up for no reason.

Balou: it's o.k. better to know how you feel and stick to your standards. BUT... i don't think a guy would waste time "dating" a chick unless he's into her. if he wanted to be "just friends" believe me, you would know the difference. my best friends have always been guys so i know that of which i speak!

Me: yeah. just wondering how it's done nowadays to see if i'm being realistic. for me, i am not anyone's g/f until there's a conversation or i'm asked (and damn, it better be sweet and/or romantic!). and i certainly won't stick around for months and months and months on end in some weird kind of limbo.

Balou: me either.

Me: but that could be unrealistic or old-fashioned. i have no idea. i myself wouldn't even know how to have this conversation, so what can i expect from someone else?
lmao i could almost imagine being asked - will they give me a note that says, "will you be my girlfriend? circle 'yes' or 'no'" ahahahahaha

Balou: Yeah, but then you could play all hard to get and just write 'maybe' instead! lol!

Me: true. i'd laugh my ass off. then melt.
then again, it could be crystal clear. the guy could be SO crazy about me that i won't feel any uncertainty and he won't be such a baby or pussy or mysterious about it. at least, that's how it's going to have to be for me to even take him THAT seriously.

Balou: i would think so. i mean, at least to me if the guy doesn't say "you're my GF" i don't make the assumption. dating is dating. but a committed, exclusive relationship is something i feel needs to be addressed directly. no guessing. maybe WE (you and me) are not like most people. i need the confirmation.

Me: no, i totally get that - i feel the same and am just glad i'm not the only one!

Definitely not a conversation I ever thought I'd have, but hey. Now I have one more piece of valuable info to file away for when (if) it's necessary.

I swear, though, my devoting this much brain space to these kinds of things only shows me that even when I have no real concrete thing to stress about, I always manage to find something! But still, I find a strange comfort in thinking things out, having an idea, feeling a tiny, fleeting degree of control over the uncontrollable. I just hate getting caught off guard.

Labels: single

Posted by Tere @ 9/04/2008 | Permalink |

11 Comments

Rick posted at 9/04/2008 12:27 AM
Don't ask me.

:/

.

Tere posted at 9/04/2008 12:30 AM
To go steady?

lol

Balou posted at 9/04/2008 8:54 AM
Wow, your friend sounds awesome! And really smart. And cute, too. Wish she were my friend! ;)

Funny true story: When C and I had the talk about taking our friendship to the next level, he asked me "So when will I know that you're my girlfriend?" and I replied "When you ask me 'Do you want to be my girlfriend?' and I say yes." Homey don't play that guessing game shit!

Tere posted at 9/04/2008 9:00 AM
Oh, she is, she is! :-)

You gotta love C for at least asking - he must have sounded/looked so cute!

Holly at Tropic of Mom posted at 9/05/2008 1:02 AM
OK, you're fabulous!

Can't help you with dating.

Joke posted at 9/05/2008 7:44 AM
Well, here is some possibly useless advice from the Y-chromosome side of the equation; it's worth every penny you paid for it.

By the time I was serious about getting serious (or, more accurately, sick of dating) all my dates started out with me stating I was good and sick of wasting time and then issuing my list of dealbreakers, and finally asking for her list of dealbreakers.

And not glittering generalities like "lack of openness" or anything like that. Concrete, specific things which I would not tolerate. This was, admittedly, an unorthodox approach, and it led to MANY dead ends.

Until TFBIM* rolled along and just look at us now.

-J.

* She would likely say, given the benefit of hindsight, that her list of dealbreakers wasn't long or detailed enough, but I digress.

Wide Lawns posted at 9/05/2008 7:11 PM
Oh I can definitely help you with dating. I could write an entire book about dating and dedicate it to you. Remind me to post more dating stories for you.

Carlos Miller posted at 9/06/2008 7:44 AM
In situations like this, nobody says it better than the Rolling Stones in the song All Down the Line from the 1972 album Exile on Main Street (their best album):

"Won't you be my little baby for a while?"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-trGCKataU

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/r/rolling+stones/all+down+the+line_20118015.html

Tere posted at 9/06/2008 11:26 AM
Good one.

I think I'm more in line with the slightly more dramatic but dead-on "Keeper of my Heart" by the Indigo Girls:

http://www.metrolyrics.com/keeper-of-my-heart-lyrics-indigo-girls.html

And if I'm extra moody, then it's "Blood and Fire":

http://www.metrolyrics.com/blood-and-fire-lyrics-indigo-girls.html

Greying posted at 9/08/2008 9:39 PM
as a newly minted daddy blogger (agreyingwolf.blogspot.com), a middle aged SAHD, I've been reading as many blogs as possible and I did come across a woman (in my "my age bracket") -who writes a completely charming blog about dating: grey-matters.blogspot.com. Check it out and let me know what you think!

Greying posted at 9/08/2008 10:07 PM
whoops..make that:
charmaine-greymatters.blogspot.com