Thursday, April 02, 2009

It's These Moments of Clarity that Cripple Me Most

It's been a funny week. I've been dealing with lingering thoughts about last week, and while I spent a lovely time in NYC with my best friend, a lot of our conversation centered around this last year in both our lives. Time was devoted to her and all the changes in her life; and time was devoted to me, to how I have been affected by my marriage and its ending, to what I think my challenges are and what lessons I've learned. It was a lot of heavy stuff packed into four days.

Add to that the fact that yesterday my ex-husband and I had the kind of conversation I thought we'd never have again, the kind that dredges up the past and puts front and center all the painful words that were once exchanged, all the assumptions drawn and choices made. It was the kind of conversation I consciously seek to avoid at all costs, knowing how it will always go and how it will always end and finding the entire process excruciatingly painful and pointless.

But you put all these things together, and the mind can't help but swirl around the issue. There are random, but significant, thoughts, and moments where the heart feels like it's seizing upon itself; there are the shadows of truth and memory and the blurry space between those that threaten everything.

Remnants. All these things are simply the remnants of everything. The thoughts, the paralyzing moments - I consider them all a necessary part of letting go and healing and moving on. They are the last bits of darkness that are slowly giving way to the light.

The thing is, while I take some pretty specific lessons from these things, while I find a strange comfort in the continued sense of clarity these episodes leave me with, the very lessons and clarity devastate me for what they reveal to me.

So I tell myself the thing I've been telling myself for almost a year now: just breathe, then breathe again, and just keep breathing.

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Posted by Tere @ 4/02/2009   | |

3 Comments

  • Blogger Mary G posted at 4/02/2009 11:56 AM  
    No wonder you are hurting from your top to your toes. I think your weekend sounds like something you needed, but it leaves stress and pain behind, ready to be exploited.

    I hope you can just go slowly, you and your gorgeous little guy, and let yourself heal.

    Meanwhile, sending lots of good thoughts to you.
  • Blogger Liz posted at 4/07/2009 8:50 PM  
    Can I just say how completely in awe of you I am? Seriously. You truly put yourself out there. Your honesty is impressive and your post is absolutely raw. Keep breathing. It does get better. I lived it years ago.
  • Blogger Tere posted at 4/07/2009 9:00 PM  
    Thanks for that, really. I can use all the encouragement possible!
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