I own all the content and pictures on this site, except where noted. If you steal anything from me, and
especially if you do anything mean or inappropriate with them, I will find you. Then I'll sue you for
theft, slander, libel and any other law that applies. Then I'll ridicule you in humiliating ways
here and everywhere else I contribute to. If you fuck with me, I'll get get all Gladiator on your ass
and unleash hell. Think I'm kidding? So did my a couple of my exes, my old neighbors, as well as
some assholes who ripped me off on Ebay, and last I heard, they were all still trying to undo the
damage I caused.
This has to stop, Five. You’re here and you’ve given me a boy so delightful and maddening that I can’t bear the thought of his growing older. So, stop. Stop, like Auden wrote, all the clocks. Freeze time.
Freeze these moments when my boy wraps those skinny arms around me and smacks a hard kiss on my cheek; when he contorts his face and flails his arms as he describes something; when he yells at me that I'm a mean mommy and stomps off, slamming his bedroom door; when that smile that I live for lights up his face, and a hearty cackle quickly follows it; when it's the middle of the night and he creeps into my bed, his tiny body pressing into mine and his sighs whispering in my ear; when he's focused on his trains, his coloring, on destroying the living room; when he sees me after a few days with his dad and is so rapturously happy that all he can do is sigh, "I'm so happy to see my best girl"; when he bats a ball with furious accuracy and speed; when he hunches over a book, trying to spell the words out; when I say "no" and he bursts into babyish, ridiculous tantrums, acting all melodramatic until he realizes I'm not falling for any of it and is instantly fine; when he sings and dances; when he's batshit crazy, running around like he's possessed; when we happen to look at each other and I look into those eyes, so full of curiosity and sweetness and spark.
This boy at five is so much fun, so smart, so tricky. Being his mom is never, ever, dull. He is as exhausting as ever, and as sweet. I see his world expanding, his brain soaking everything up, and I get excited at all the possibilities and discoveries before him. I am joyous in his joy and I ache for the challenges life will bring him.
I think about the way he has transformed me, how it is that I am everything I didn't know I could be because it's what he needs of me. My Five is everything that makes my life right, and everything that fills me with sadness. He teaches me every day, and at times I wonder if I am indeed, and if I can continue to be, the kind of mother he needs, who will help him navigate life with a strong heart, confidence, intelligence and compassion, and if he understands deep in his bones that my love will always be with him.
I am in awe of my boy, amazed at how he's growing and growing and growing. Time is passing by too swiftly for me; days blur into weeks into months into seasons.
And so, for just one moment, Five, stop. Let me just hold him and breathe him and freeze this moment when my boy is in my arms, his head nestled against my heart. Before he takes off running again, before life continues to flash by. Stop and let me hold him.
Thoughts From MommyLand posted at 9/28/2010 11:18 PM
Aw, Happy Birthday! I love this post! I feel the same way about my 3-year old and my infant...I just want to keep them forever, but the world keeps turning...
KaMo posted at 10/04/2010 3:32 AM
Beautiful picture that you paint. My little boys are somewhere in that post :-)