I own all the content and pictures on this site, except where noted. If you steal anything from me, and
especially if you do anything mean or inappropriate with them, I will find you. Then I'll sue you for
theft, slander, libel and any other law that applies. Then I'll ridicule you in humiliating ways
here and everywhere else I contribute to. If you fuck with me, I'll get get all Gladiator on your ass
and unleash hell. Think I'm kidding? So did my a couple of my exes, my old neighbors, as well as
some assholes who ripped me off on Ebay, and last I heard, they were all still trying to undo the
damage I caused.
Well, that was one wonderful vacation! It's always good to go back to Nola, and having Boyfriend with me made it even more awesome. We had a great time, relaxing (much needed!) and eating our way through the city.
We did some touristy stuff, but also just wandered around the Garden District and the park. I probably drove him crazy yammering on about the houses and the architecture and how I could stare at these houses all day long, but he was a good sport about it.
In the end, I feel like we needed a couple more days to see/do more, but I've been telling myself that we both needed a break to simply relax and do nothing, and we did plenty of that as well, so it's all good.
The funny thing about this vacation is that it was much like our Thanksgiving trip in that I feel like we're closer now because of it. Between some of the intense conversations we had, plus the close confines of the hotel room, plus navigating the logistics of the trip itself, we grew tighter. In the wake of this vacation, I've found myself thinking a lot about this closeness, and the trust that comes along with it.
I recognize that I'm not a trusting person (though I can be ridiculously gullible). Personal experience and my understanding/intuition of human behavior haven't given me much reason or hope for trusting. Of course, trust comes in many levels, and I'm able to feel some of the more basic forms of trust. But when I think of one of the reasons I'm most surprised to find myself in a relationship at this point in my life, and in so deeply, it's because of this trust issue. I didn't think, after all I'd been through, that I would be able to trust again. If I found unappealing the thought of allowing someone in into my life and my heart, it was because of the thought of learning all over again to trust, or to trust someone new, and because I didn't want to go through that and the inevitable moments where I, or he, or we, would fail.
I try to break it down in my mind, and in the end, it's too much to truly decipher. Too many pieces, some quite obvious and others tiny and imperceptible, that make me this way. My own experiences, going back to my childhood, are responsible, but so too are the myriad examples of others, the moments where something happens to someone else and it's just one more confirmation of what I already suspected about people and why you're a fool if you trust them.
I try, though, to break from my own preconceived notions, to not pin people down before they've had a chance to show me who they are, what they're made of. Even so, I'm cautious. While I understand that I struggle to trust, I trust myself completely, and my intuition and gut have never failed me. I have these triggers, and when they go off (and one, a huge one, recently did, and I'm grappling with it, hence my brooding), I know instantly that I have a problem on my hands, but solutions aren't always as easy to figure out.
A big part of the problem is my gut, my sense of being right. I joke that I'm right 95% of the time, and while I know that's not really true, I do know that I have a good sense - an accurate sense - about some things, and when it comes to those things, I'm never wrong. At least, I haven't been so far. So these triggers, when they go off, it's coupled with alarm, that I will in fact be right again, and the hurt that will bring me -- here we go again, and I know how this is going to play out, and damn, this is going to be bad. In the end, it's this: that I'm right and practically clairvoyant and I don't want to be, and I've been through this before, and my options are limited.
I keep all these things in mind, try not to lose myself in my own head, and go back to the trust I feel for Boyfriend. I get it, how knowing him so long (which, considering we weren't actively in each other's lives, really just means that I had a good sense about him), and especially how we had all those months of being just friends, with none of the attraction/flirtation thing going on (which would've ruined everything), sets a good foundation for that trust. I get, too, clearly, how I can be this open and this trusting and this believing, how I can be with him, period, when I was so sure I wouldn't be capable of feeling this for years to come, if at all. It's risky, so risky, yes. But he's earned my trust. And time passes, and new experiences happen, and through it all, in how he handles himself, how he handles everything, how he handles me, he keeps earning more of my trust.
And so now, for now, as I deal with these triggers, that will have to do.
I leave tomorrow on a much-anticipated, much-needed vacation with Boyfriend. We'd discussed this trip - a visit to my beloved New Orleans (his first time) - months ago, and on Christmas Day, he surprised me with the plane tickets. It's impossible to not love a man who does something like that.
We've traveled together already, in November to spend Thanksgiving with his dad. This will be our first vacation alone together, the first of many. We've managed to verbally plan quite a few already, some easily doable, others that will have to wait some time. I love this about him, that the thought of traveling, of an adventure, is so easy, so possible. It brings out something in me that I need brought out; it loosens something tight, a long-held, buried fear of freedom. I could've been scared, I think, I could have held back -- from the adventure, from whatever this first solo vacation signifies for the relationship. But with him, there isn't even a chance of this happening.
There are ways that this relationship is changing me - something about him, the way he is, the way he loves me, taps into all these things I've wanted and needed to draw out and either reclaim or newly make my own, parts of me that have grown and strengthened or are just born and are ready for a place in my life, my personality.
We talked about this the other day, the things we each offer the other, what we bring into each other's lives. I'm thinking of this still, my answer growing every time I think about it, growing every day.
Tomorrow, we get away for a few days. After an incredibly busy and stressful couple of months, we get this chance to be alone and share and discover. The beauty of it for me is that we're not even on the way to the airport yet and I feel no hesitation or trepidation. I feel nothing but happiness and giddiness. (Though terrified of the flight, as always.)
This is his doing, this is one of the things he offers me: the freedom and space and safety of relaxing, and thinking positively, and looking forward, and allowing elation and hope in.
I was Going to Say Something, but I'm too Tired to Remember What it Was
March is seriously kicking my bum. This is an incredibly busy (and stressful) month for me, where just about every day, something new gets added to the list of events or things to take care of.
On top of all the things I've got to stay on top of, March is sapping all my brain power and has at least started a little too emotionally intense than what I was prepared for. I mean that in the deeper way, wherein already a number of unpleasant things have occurred to make me sit and stew and feel, by turns, pissed and sad and worried and insecure, and, even if I've managed to deal with some of these feelings, to remain with certain thoughts in my head that I already know I will have to revisit later and quite possibly act on. Emotionally drained, I am.
What I hate about months like this is how, in a scramble to remember and do so much, I sometimes fail to enjoy any of it. When I look at the week's calendar and I see so much, all these words and instructions and responsibilities jumping out at me, my brain goes into "just survive it" mode, which isn't always a good thing. Like right now, all I can think is, I just have to make it to class on Saturday (where I must hand in an exam and a chapter assignment and lead part of the class lecture). I can't see past that (and it's one crammed weekend as it is), because it's just too important to not focus on. But then right after that, I have a very tight schedule that I'll have to stick to, and the killjoy of that is already stressing me out.
And moreover, I'm exhausted. So very exhausted. I'd give anything for like 10 or 11 hours of sleep.
Ay. A warm bubble bath would also be magical right now. Though with my luck, I'll pass out in the tub and drown.
So that contest that local newspaper Sun Sentinel held? Turns out I won in the Family category, so many many many many thanks to all of you who voted. I had some great co-nominees and really appreciate the distinction. (And my peeps at Miami Beach 411 won in the News category! Whoo!)
Sadly, I missed the awards ceremony/blogger hobnobbing. It took place quite far from home, right during rush-hour traffic, and anyway, Max and happy hour don't mix well.
Anyway, nice news to get in what's been a sad, stressful week.
As a result of this contest, it looks like I've acquired some new readers. So, hello new readers! Welcome! Kick back! Stay awhile (forever)! Enjoy! Send me a fan letter! (Hate mail will promptly be published and mocked) I luuuuvvvv you!!!
So to thank all of you awesome people who read this site, and because I'm all kinds of awesome, I'm giving something away! Y'all know I love Carrabba's (or you should, I've said it a-plenty). While I prefer non-chain restaurants, this has got to be the best chain around. The food is so fresh and tasty - love love love 'em. Well, they've got this new thing going on - Viaggi del Gusto. It's a passport (yeah, it looks like one) that's full of special offers, like complimentary appetizers and desserts, themed wine and cocktail pairings and recipes from the founders.
Sounds neat and cute, huh? How can you get one, you say? Aha! Through me! I've got two to give away. But, alas, there is a catch. You have to take a quiz. About me. I'm going to ask a few questions at the end of this post. Leave your answers (and email) in the comments, and I'll award these passports to the people with the best answers. If there's a tie, I'll use the extra credit question as the tie-breaker or do a random drawing.
Some things to know: all answers can be found in this blog; my immediate family and my friends C, C, M, J and L are not eligible (and if we're friends IRL, check with me, pls), only because that's the fair thing to do (sorry guys, I'll take you with me on my passport). Finally, I'll close comments Monday evening and pick from there. Unless no one's answered, which would make me feel like a total loser. And I have to tell you guys, I've been feeling pretty emotionally fragile these last few weeks, and it's really not a good moment to exacerbate the feeling by not participating in this. OK? I need a lot of affection and coddling right now.
Carrabba's is also running a contest where you can win a trip for two to Italy (ah, #2 on my travel list!): just go here and enter.
And now, the quiz:
1. How old is my son? (bonus if you add his b-day) 2. My BFF's mother took ___________ in her luggage when she flew to spend Christmas with her in NYC. 3. What's my heritage? 4. On this blog, how did I commemorate turning 30? 5. What's my biggest fear that I've written about here extensively?
Extra credit: When did I meet my jevo?
Now, I'm off to plan my own visit(s) to use my passport. Taking jevo with me, who's never been (and who gave me quite the look when, as friends, I declared my love for Carrabba's. Oh, but now that he's all sweet on me and realizes what a hot, brilliant, kick-ass girlfriend he's got, oh, now he wants to go! I like a man who keeps an open mind.).