A Mom, a Blog, and the Life In-Between

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Second Time Around

I have the tragic distinction among my close girlfriends of being "the re-dater." Ugh. Much to my eternal embarrassment and chagrin, I am THAT girl who has re-dated a number (oh yeah, more than one!) of ex-flames at various points in my life.

Issues, much? Um, "YES!"

I mean, come on. When you step back and consider this, that I would re-date someone with whom it didn't work out in the first place, clearly, I've had some big issues to deal with. And that I did it more than once? Yeesh.

It's plagued me on and off through the years, because even as I did it I was bothered by it, something in me knowing this was off, maybe not the best idea, and yet, it's the choice I made.

I've spent a good part of this last year dealing with aspect of my life (there were reasons this necessitated my attention), and recently a close friend and I (and my friends, they rock, because they so mercifully do not tease or harass me about this) were talking about this and it made me think of the choices I've made that took me so long to really understand and make peace with (and stop repeating them).

In essence, I was drawn to the safety of what I knew. Re-dating someone was safer and *better* than the risk of the unknown. There was comfort there, the memory of what had been good, and I guess my own need to believe that yes, people can recognize their mistakes and change.

There was this, too: the utter romance of being told how much I'd been missed and desired. To have a guy tell me he'd been unable to stop thinking about me all these (months, years), that there was no one else like me, that they'd been so stupid to (treat me poorly, let someone like me go). I heard all this, and more, and I ate it up.

That right there is the mark of my immaturity - that I would blind myself with illusions and words because it was all so pretty and made me feel so special. I was so childish and silly, girl-woman with certain insecurities and a need to feel glorified. It was right to question me - my level of maturity, my sanity, what planet I was living on - for choosing this path.

The patterns are funny. It was always an ex approaching me out of the blue. It was always words of regret and sorrys. It was admissions of how unforgettable I am, how no one compares. It was the question of if I'd give another chance. Whenever I would voice concerns, there were always promises that it would be different, that he'd changed.

Here's the thing: no one changes. Yes, people learn from mistakes and grow, but they don't change. And even if a person grows, it doesn't change the core of who they are and how that affected the dynamic of the relationship.

And so, every time, after weeks or months of everything being good (and every man is so good about being on his super-best behavior, presenting only the best of himself, which further fuels the fantasy. And yes, of course, same was true of me), it would all go back to how it used to be (i.e., not so good). It was inevitable. The things that were issues the first time around became issues again. The same dynamic returned. However *grown* either one of us was, there was no changing whatever was fundamentally off about the relationship, about "us."

While I learned this through the experience of what were ultimately minor relationships (except one of this group), this reality was driven home through the experience of my marriage. Longtime readers here know that my ex-husband and I split up early in the marriage, and that we reconciled about a year after being apart. By that point I was wary of the whole "re-dating" thing, but this was different. This was marriage. This was the person I'd chosen to spend my life with. In the time we were apart I'd struggled with (yes, my feelings for him, but also) the terrible weight of having given up so quickly. I asked myself a lot, who does that? Who throws the towel in less than two years in? The answer was always a harsh but true one: an immature, selfish person, that's who. I vacillated between my feelings of certainty of how much it was his fault vs. the nagging feeling that this was marriage, and that I should have tried something else or something more to make it work.

Which is why when he contacted me and soon enough expressed his feelings for me and his desire to reconcile, I readily did it. This was no silly relationship, this was a marriage, and I dove back in with the sole goal of making it work. I'd been so wrecked with the first ending, I knew I could not ensure another, that I would fight with all my might to prevent that from happening again.

And it did work, in its own way. Our feelings for each other were strong and that carried us a great deal. Ultimately, though, we hit that same wall: same issues, same dynamic, same everything that'd made it end the first time around. The only difference, I suppose, was that I knew with all my being that I had tried all I possibly could, in every possible way, had used my own growth to be a better person and spouse, and none of it mattered much. In the end, there was not a single thing I could say or do that would get through to him or break his wall down (and for the record, he's expressed as much to me and there is no dispute between us about how and why we ended).

In the aftermath, I thought a lot about how we'd ended the second time much like we did the first time. There had been fights that could have been start-to-finish repeats of fights we'd had six years before. And that was terrible. I felt this immense frustration and sense of how unacceptable that was to me (and here I'm referring to fights about major life issues, not silly fights or bickering), that after all that we'd been through (good and bad), after all that time, it was the same issues that undid us. It was incredible and eye-opening and shattering.

So, nothing changes. People can grow and better themselves, their issues and behaviors, but I'm convinced that there's just no making something that failed once succeed a second time. You only get one time - the first time - to get it right. If it doesn't work, too bad, but it won't work again. No amount of time, no words - nothing - changes whatever the fundamental problems were.

In all relationships, there are issues of blame and fault and who was personally in a worse place and who caused more harm. But there's also this: a breakup happens for significant, if not always immediately obvious, reasons, and there is no ignoring or whitewashing that. You can feel regret about it, you can feel lonely and just want someone familiar around, you can focus on the good and tell yourself it wasn't so bad, you can hope all you want that the second time will be right. None of that ultimately changes anything. Some couples just can't make it work, for any variety of reasons, and something about them is off, off enough to make the whole thing fall apart.

If my life offers any lesson, it's that there is no changing that. No amount of time, of love, of therapy, of effort makes the second time around last. None.

Labels: personal life, relationships

Posted by Tere @ 9/29/2011 | Permalink |

7 Comments

Mary G posted at 9/30/2011 10:37 AM
You are a very wise woman - this deserves to be very widely read and discussed!
Kudos to you.

Jean posted at 9/30/2011 11:14 AM
It is true, but sad, really if it doesn't work, the problems will probably come back to haunt you again. Wise words, now you can move forward.

Anonymous posted at 10/04/2011 11:37 AM
I once read that a broken relationship is like broken china. You can try to glue it back together, but there will always be a weak spot which will inevitably cause another break. I read this as a teenager and was fortunate enough to have retained the lesson. I'm sorry you went through so much to learn yours. Then again, fate gave you a talent and a forum in which to share your experience with others, so in the grand scheme of things your depth of experience is in direct correlation with the number of people who find comfort in your words.

Anonymous posted at 10/10/2011 2:04 AM
I disagree with you. I was married to a man for less than a year and we parted ways 9 months into the marriage. After being away from each other for 2 years and dating other people we both were able to appreciate our connection and love for each other. Sometimes you don't know what you have until it's gone. I guess we both need to suffer for 2 years before we realized the value of our relationship. We got remarried 2 years ago and are happier than ever before. There was a lot of love for each other but a lack of communication and appreciation. Once we both grew up a bit and learned to truly respect and appreciate one another things just got easier. I think if your relationship has a strong foundation you can work through anything.

Tere posted at 10/10/2011 10:39 AM
I do wish you well and hope that whatever issues drove you apart were permanently solved. At the same time, you sound much like I did 2 years into my remarriage, so I can't say I have a positive attitude about this in general. If neither one of you is dragging personal issues around that you refuse to deal with, perhaps you can beat the odds - I wish you luck!

Anonymous posted at 10/21/2011 5:08 PM
why do you have all these flashy, obnoxious adds popping out at a mere move of the mouse. Quite ugly IMHO. SOrry.

Tere posted at 10/25/2011 9:07 AM
Hhmmm... I don't see/get any pop-up ads here (a survey from time to time, yes). Sorry about that.