Tuesday, September 13, 2011

**Sigh** Blah and the Rest of It

I'm trying really hard not to feel overwhelmed and slightly panicky, but this is a losing battle. I suffer from that condition (wha? surely, it's a condition!) where, if the overwhelmedness is too much, I just shut down. That means nothing gets done and shit piles up, and that just makes it all worse because I end up digging myself into a hole I can't possibly get out of.

ACK.

I live on lists. Every day, I write a list of things I must get done that day. This is on top of my list of reminders, that run the gamut from things like, "pay aftercare" (which I forgot to do anyway) and "fix room" (which room? who knows?! I knew when I wrote it, but of course, I've forgotten which room I was referring to, and anyway, it applies to all the rooms) to "Dermatologist" (which has been on the list for so long now I'm pretty sure the skin cancer has reached stage 4). Then there are other lists - "Things to Buy for the House in the Next Few Months," "Max," "Things to Get Rid Of," "Download These Songs," "Read these Books," "Research" - which basically leaving me drowning in a sea of lists. I feel like I have to much to do and remember and my brain is basically like, not having it.

Sigh.

This feeling is inevitable. I started classes three weeks ago, at the same time that my boy is adjusting to a new school with new rules (oh, go on and guess how many he's broken! Hint: many!), at the same time that I'm short-staffed at work and loaded with assignments, at the same time that Jevo and I are planning THE MOVE, at the same time that I have all this parenting to attend to, not to mention certain obligations to my loved ones.

I know what will help: how about if I break it down into a list of "Things that Are Stressing Me Out"?!

School:
It's just effing hard to be all intellectual and a critical thinker when I have so much on my plate. This was supposed to be my *job* while I was unemployed and/or working part-time. Instead, it's something I love (I've taken some really cool classes, and I'm continually surprised at my ability to *get* subject matter that is completely new to me), but that I don't have the time to properly focus on and dive into. I already feel like my online class is a total chore (don't even get me started on online classes; the profs load you up with this ridiculous amount of work - the equivalent of sitting in an actual class every day for two hours - that is impossible to keep up with, and discussions are lame and completely fake), and because it's so disjointed I have little interest in it. I'm already two chapters behind in my reading, which I hate. Thankfully, my in-person class is great and useful and the reading and workload are realistic. So there's that, I guess. Oh, and g-d willing, I graduate next semester. Whooo.

Monkey in Kindergarten:
Oh my hell. This child. Is killing me. He is adapting well to his new school and really likes his teacher and is making friends and all that nice stuff, but still. There are issues. There's nothing you could consider abnormal as far as a kid getting used to a school that's very, very different from his old one, but I feel the stress of making sure that he transitions well and that I establish a good rapport with his teacher. If he has a bad day, it's hell for me to set him straight in a way that will be effective and impress upon him the importance of following the new rules, which isn't something I'm necessarily great at. I'm also getting used to a new routine, to the way this school operates, to staying on top of homework and messages from the school about events, reminders, etc. It's like I'm in school, too, I swear.

Work:
Sorry, I don't blog about work. It's enough to say that my department has a monster workload, and I'm short-staffed, and it's overwhelming right now.

THE MOVE:
Where to begin with this one? This is actually a wonderful thing that is overwhelming mainly because of all the to-do's. We have to figure out what he's bringing vs. what he's ditching; what I'm keeping vs. what I'm ditching (a process I've begun and so my house is total hell right now with piles of stuff that I need to get out of here ASAP); what bank to go with for our joint accounts (a decision made suddenly harder by the discovery that both our banks officially suck); what to do about limited closet space (though we did buy some lovely antique dressers, but I fear they might not be enough). There's more, I'm sure. I have a list I'm too lazy to go check.

All this Parenting I Have to Attend To:
Come on, do I really need to say anything about this?

Certain Obligations to My Loved Ones:
Namely, my BFF's baby shower in NYC in a few weeks, Thanksgiving in NC with Jevo's dad, and planning my sister's baby shower (oh yeah, I have a niece on the way! Wheee!). Plus, I have a couple of relatives whom I love very much who are very sick, and it's worrisome. I hate seeing them like this, I hate my inability to do anything to make it better, I hate the pain this brings us all.

Whew. I hate sounding like a whiner. I don't feel whiny about it, just so damn overwhelmed. I didn't even get into the part about how by the time I've put Max to bed, I am so freaking exhausted that I can barely get anything done. I consider it a stellar evening if I manage to leave everything ready for the next morning (clothes, lunchboxes, backpack, my bags, etc.). Getting to the laundry and the clutter? Ha! I have zero energy to get to that until he's back with his dad. And so it piles up. Ugh.

All right, so now that I feel like an utter failure, let's see how many chores I can zip through before crashing for the night. I'll be lucky if I get to two.

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Posted by Tere @ 9/13/2011   | |

3 Comments

  • Blogger Holly posted at 9/14/2011 4:11 PM  
    You need a hug. Sometimes, stress and change really do pour, don't they? I get the same way when I'm overwhelmed and there's too much on my lists -- I shut down. Just tell yourself to take things one step at a time and that you're only human and can only do so much.

  • Blogger Nicole posted at 9/15/2011 1:00 PM  
    You know.. it sounds like good stuff - but a LOT of stuff. Thank goodness you have a support system!

  • Blogger Mary G posted at 9/20/2011 12:47 PM  
    And if it doesn't get done? The sky will not fall. You have a strong, bright son who will adjust quickly.
    How about ditching the on-line class that isn't working?
    I used to make lots of lists. And lost them. And you know, things worked out anyway.
    Hugs!!!

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