Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Love, O, Love

I may not really be into Valentine's Day, but I'm not immune to society's efforts to shove it down my throat, and to an extent, I'm game. I don't care for gifts today, but am totally open to extra love and affection, which my boys are so very willing to give me, and for this, I am awash in joy and warm down to my toes.

I've been stressed these last few months because of work and school, though it comes in spurts. I'll have a couple of bad weeks as projects need to be completed and deadlines loom, but really, a lot of the *stress* is me trying to be organized and prepared, to not forget anything that needs to be done (no matter how many lists I write, the amount of must-do's gets overwhelming at times).

This semester, while a tad less stressful than past ones, is turning out to be frustrating for a whole other reason: I don't like how the prof teaches the class (I find it ineffective, making what should be a fun, compelling topic difficult to grasp and work with), and so I'm really not liking it. As it is, I have class tonight and am mighty bothered by that. I can't see how I'll be able to focus as my inexperienced professor races through the (long, complex, long) lesson, late into the night, when I know my guys will be home together without me. **sniff**

I feel this so keenly probably because I'm feeling so aware of how lucky I am to be me right now. To be this fully surrounded by love is simply the most wonderful thing ever.

I have a man who is kind and patient and loving and affectionate and considerate, who does what he says he'll do (not at my pace, but hey, he ain't flawless), who consistently has a good spirit, a positive attitude, and a generous heart. That I can (and do) tell him anything and everything and it's always o.k. (and when it starts out not o.k., we just hash it out till it is) is something I've never, ever known, and it's still overwhelming every time I realize all over again how completely myself I can be with him, and - despite not always understanding me or agreeing with me - that he loves all of me. More even, that he accepts me. There is no overestimating how crucial this is. More than just about any other quality that matters, what I've wanted most is to be accepted as I am, to not have to feel conscious of, or justify, my quirks and way of being, and not be criticized for these. This love is incredibly generous and forgiving.

And I have a son who is pure love, pure exuberance, pure wonderfulness with the way he endlessly tells me he loves me (and other sweet things) and seeks me out for hugs, kisses and snuggles. He has filled my heart and my life with more happiness and frustration than I know what to do with. I wonder often if he will lose this part of himself as he grows older, when I become uncool and he faces greater pressures from his friends, or when his eyes open to the reality that his mom is a bag of crazy that has caused him much psychological harm. I hope not, but can imagine that he will. And so I indulge this now, I allow the exaggeration of his declarations ("you are my true love," "you're my most favorite person," "you are the most beautiful girl in the world"), the sometimes ceaselessness of his hugs and kisses, storing each one deep inside so that I never forget. You know how they say to embrace every moment, time flies, etc.? I think it's impossible (and at times, undesirable) to do so, but these moments, when he is in my arms and we're talking and I feel like I just might be searing into him the depth and steadfastness of my love, these moments are the ones. They help me keep perspective when he's driving me crazy or behaving like a wild goat, and they sustain me when I feel like an utter failure. If I have just a couple moments a month like this, I'll take them, greedily so.

So love, I'm swimming in it and can only hope that between work and school and stress and my sometimes-quick temper and lack of patience and mega-anxiety, these guys know that they are my life. They are everything that makes my life so rich, so joyous, so intense, so worth every challenge.

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Posted by Tere @ 2/14/2012   | |

4 Comments

  • Blogger Nicole posted at 2/15/2012 8:19 AM  
    Sounds beautiful. You are a lucky girl.
  • Blogger Mary G posted at 2/15/2012 12:14 PM  
    it's a tough world and it tends to socialize males to be tough. But there are men out there who have refused to be toughened and let's hope that your son will be one of them. He's half you, after all.
    At the top of my list of reasons why I married the man I did is this; he cries at sad movies right along with me.
  • Anonymous Henna Bakshi posted at 2/27/2012 6:15 PM  
    Ur a lucky girl..
    To get affection from somebody in any which form from anybody may it be ur son ,boifrend, husband means ur one of the lucky few.. Salut to this unconditional form of affection.. Hard to find these days!! Sigh
  • Anonymous Jianna Gonzalez posted at 2/28/2012 12:36 PM  
    Thanks for the information and knowledge.
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