Sunday, April 22, 2012

The One Where My Heart Explodes

I've started this post like 100 times now, only to promptly delete the first couple of paragraphs, stare at the blank screen for a few minutes, and then start all over again.

I don't know how to write this. Guess that's what I should conclude after all these attempts. My brain is having a total aside moment now, amused at how you can consider yourself a writer, or be someone who needs to write just to function or who writes every single day (and I do, though lately not online), and still not be able to write for crap when your emotions are all over the place and you don't know how to say what you want to say.

I should just say it. I should be as blunt as I tend to be in person and just drop the six words and be done with it. I know right at this moment that that's exactly what I'm going to do in just a few seconds, but first I'm compelled to explain that I really wanted a cute or moving or funny preamble to this, but look, I failed. I'm just a rambling mess. Oh well. Best to just get to it.


Now I'm grinning like a fool and I want to say it another way.


Oh wow, I could do this for a while. But I won't.

O.k., one more time.


People, I am beside myself with joy. My heart cannot contain the intensity of my happiness. I'm so happy, I'm terrified. I've been growing more and more used to this sweet, fulfilling, great life he and I have been building together, I've been learning to believe that all this is real and mine and been working on surrendering to it - but the overwhelming tide of emotions that have hit me this last week have almost been too much. I'm not wholly used to this - this kind of relationship that's so full of mutual respect, commitment and belief in each other.

I can't express how blessed I feel. Three-and-a-half years ago, I couldn't have imagined any of this. Not him, not the way we would click, not how deeply I would fall in love or how completely he would change my life. We've been through so much these two-plus years we've been together - a lot of it difficult and challenging and downright scary. Opening your heart and truly committing to someone else and the relationship you build with them - especially after divorce - is frightening. It takes a boatload of faith in the other and their intentions; it takes a huge willingness to be vulnerable and trusting, even those moments when you really don't think you have it in you. And with Jevo, it's been a repeated experience in going through this and it always turning out o.k. - better than o.k. He doesn't play with my head or heart and makes sure I know - even in the middle of a fight - that he loves me and wants what's best for the relationship. And he - for reasons that I don't always understand but am infinitely grateful for - he sees me how no one's ever seen me. He can cut through my b.s. and see whatever's good about me. I've never known this. I don't always know how to react to it. But it's everything I've ever needed and wanted.


Max has been pretty vocal about his desire for us to get married, so we decided to tell him together. His immediate response: "GREAT! Now I get my brother or sister!!" (who needs a biological clock when you have a six-year-old who constantly asks where his baby brother/sister is?). We had to explain that would still take some time, but he remained excited. When Jevo told him, "we'll officially be family," he gave him a quizzical look and told him, "but you're already my family." And this - to have my boy so excited, to know how much he adores Jevo (or "Catholic dad," as he calls him) - is the thing that moves me to pieces. It's not just all I've written about us - it can't be in my situation. I've seen them develop their own relationship, one that is constantly evolving, and how the three of us have formed our own unit. If I feared allowing myself to love again, I feared how that could affect my son even more. And here, there is nothing to fear. Jevo's commitment is to us both, and Max senses this. After we gave him the news, when he and I were alone, snuggling, I asked him how he felt about it all. "I've wanted him to be my step-dad since I met him," he told me. "This is the best thing ever."

And there goes my heart, exploding with joy.

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Posted by Tere @ 4/22/2012   | |


  • Anonymous Maria posted at 4/22/2012 1:21 PM  
    OMG I am soooooo happy for you!!!! Wishing you all the best, you deserve it.
  • Blogger Rick posted at 4/22/2012 8:05 PM  
    Lucky guy! Congrats!

  • Anonymous Carlos Miller posted at 4/22/2012 9:49 PM  
  • Blogger mkhall posted at 4/23/2012 1:27 AM  
    I am very, very happy for all three of you!
  • Blogger Geniusofdespair posted at 4/23/2012 8:34 AM  
    This comment has been removed by the author.
  • Blogger Geniusofdespair posted at 4/23/2012 8:35 AM  
    Been a lot of years since I met you but this is great news! Your happiness engulfed the page...
  • Blogger Tere posted at 4/23/2012 9:15 AM  
    Thank you all for your kindness and good wishes - I very much appreciate it, coming as it does from all of you.
  • Blogger Freckle Face Girl posted at 4/23/2012 9:42 PM  
    Very exciting! That is just wonderful!
  • Blogger Mary G posted at 4/25/2012 11:24 AM  
    The news is fabulous too. This seems so right for you.
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